BOUNCE BACK!

WOW! Can you believe that CHRISTMAS is THIS Friday? 2009 is almost over. Where has the year gone? It seems as if "this" year just swooped right pass, but doesn't it seem that way EVERY year? LOL...

So much has transpired in 2009. Some good things have happened (The FIRST Black Man took office in the White House and became The President of the United States - Way to Go, President Obama!!), Some not so good things transpired this year (The Economy suffered tremendously, way too many people lost their jobs, we witness major companies having to fold, we heard of so many people committing suicide because their monies were gone, so many people lost their homes leaving their families destrought because the provision was no longer there), we've had Tragedy hit us hard this year, we lost so many good people this year, Death came through and SHOOK our foundation (*to name a few* - Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcet, Michael Jackson, and Sooooo many others).  We've heard the horrible tragedy of the young man, Derron Albert, 16, in the city of Chicago who lost his life at the hands of other young men of his color. A young life taken for no reason at all. People have literally lost their minds:  we have parents killing their children, we have children killing their parents, we have preachers and ministers doing things that are UNLIKE the GOD they minister about. ((these are just some of the issues that this world has))   ... WHAT'S GOING ON???

Some might say that these things have been going on for years, and although that 's true, I am the last to argue that, ... it has become more PREVELANT in 2009. It's been UP, Close and Personal for me. Not only has this year taken lives of the people we READ about, but I have personally lost a Godmother, Two cousins, a Uncle, and Two friends this year and have heard of so many others who have also lost their loved ones this year. My Pastor always say: "Every Year Carries It's Number"  ... I never really paid much attention to that UNTIL this year. And boy o boy did THIS year carry a HUGE number out of here.

But DESPITE all of these things ... One thing I can honestly say with JOY ... "I am STILL here! And it's ONLY by the GRACE of GOD!!! .... Can't think of a reason to give GOD praise? ... if you are ABLE to READ this blog ... that's ENOUGH reason to give HIM praise.

Isn't it sad that everywhere you go now ... People are saying: "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" instead of saying: "Merry Christmas"? I rode through my town the other day and noticed that not one sign downtown said: Merry Christmas, EVERYthing said: Happy Holidays!  WHAT???!!!  And what really burns me is this:  "X-MAS" <<< Huh? What is that?   STOP! trying to take CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS! HE is or should be the REASON why we celebrate such a day! We have truly lost the REAL meaning of this Holiday. So many people are looking and expecting these grand gifts, but it's NOT about that. We have received THEE ULTIMATE gift and that is JESUS! ... DAILY we receive a GIFT  and that is the GIFT OF LIFE!! ... ((Pause)) When was the last time you actually THANKED GOD for LIFE? So many of us complain about what LIFE isn't ... but have you taken a moment to thank HIM for what LIFE is?

I have learned to STOP complaining about what I "felt" life wasn't! I am THANKFUL for all of the things that I "could have been" but didn't.   I could be DEAD... but I'm NOT.  I could be HOMELESS ... but I'm NOT ... I could have been infected with some DEADLY DISEASE ... but I'm NOT.  I could be in JAIL, but I'm NOT.   I could have LOST my mind, but I DIDN'T.   There's NOTHING that I need to complain about. I may NOT have everything that I want ... but I have what I need: My LIFE, HEALTH & STRENGTH. *smile*

I am so glad from where GOD has brought me from. There was a time when I lost the "joy" & "excitement" of Christmas. I am so glad that I have gotten it back. When I learned that I was adopted, which was two weeks after my 18th birthday (March 4), it changed the way I looked at Holidays. Every Holiday became rough for me, (My Birthday, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Thanksgiving & Christmas) these holidays were no longer the same for me. I went from being "happy" & "joyous" on these holidays to being "sad" & "depressed" and instead of "celebrating", I ended up "mourning". I went through this for YEARRSSSSS! Although, I would smile and PRETEND for the sake of people on these days ... deep within I was a total WRECK.

On My Birthday, I always wondered, did this woman who gave me up realize that it was my birthday today? Did she even care? Did she regret giving me up? Will she ever come and look for me? Is she looking for me now?

On Mother's Day, I wondered, did this woman think about me? Was she able to celebrate "Mom's Day" knowing that she gave one of her own children away? Did I have other brothers and sisters who were with her helping her celebrate this day? Do my siblings even know that I exist?

On Father's Day, ((to be honest with you, it wasn't until a couple of years ago, that my birth father ever became a thought in my head)) but the time that I DID think about him, my thoughts were: Does this man even care that he has a daughter out here somewhere? Do I ever cross his mind? Who's celebrating him today? How many other daughter does he have? Are they with him celebrating today?

On Thanksgiving, I wondered, What was my birth mom doing? What was she cooking? Was she a cook? Who was she celebrating Thanksgiving with? Does her family even know that I exist? Do I ever come up at the dinner table? Do they even care?

On Christmas, I wondered, Is she thinking about me? Does she wish that she never gave me up? Will she come looking for me? What gifts did she receive? What gifts were she giving out and to whom? Did she spoil her other children? Was I ever mentioned? Did she have a special ornament on the Christmas tree to represent the baby girl she relinguished back in 1975?

These were some of the worst days for me. It wasn't as if I didn't have a GREAT life and TWO wonderful parents or a Family that didn't love me. I had the BEST of everything ... a life any child could have wanted, But learning the FACT that I was adopted ... changed me EMOTIONALLY. It did something to me. I changed! I went from a happy go lucky person, to a very somber, moody, and depressing individuaL. It was just 3 years ago that this changed for me.

One day, I was preparing to minister at a Youth Conference and while preparing this particular message: "Bounce Back - You Don't Have To Stay Where You Are"  Scripture(s) Job 1:1-3; 42:12 & 13, 16 & 17  While preparing this message, I was convicted, ... here I was getting ready to deliver this message to a lot of youth and YET, I was stuck and needed to BOUNCE BACK from the "state" ((condition)) I was in.  JOB started off good, he had everything any man could want, he had it all: The Family, The House, The Cattle, The Land, ((he was weathly)). but one day out of the blue, his ENTIRE life changed, not for the better but for the worst. The Bible shares that he lost EVERYTHING that he had, all of his children were killed, everything that he had been destroyed, he became extremely ill, and his wife ended up leaving him ... No doubt, Job had his moments of depression, his moment of loneliness, his moments of feeling like he didn't deserve this, his moments of: "Lord, Why is all of this happening to me?" ((We've probably all asked this question)) ... he even had some friends who came along and kicked him the more when he was down because they felt like, he must have done something WRONG or against GOD and this was why GOD was punishing him.  The Bible says that JOB cursed the day he was born, in otherwords, he wished that he was NEVER born. ((How many of us have felt that way @ some point in our lives?)) ... but INSPITE of ALL the hell that he has been through, there was ONE thing that Job DIDN'T do ... He NEVER, EVER gave up on GOD, even when he didn't 'understand' why GOD would allow such a thing to happen to him ... He STILL worshipped GOD and knew that in GOD's own time, a Change would come and he was right, because in Chapter 42: 12  it says that the Lord blessed his Latter days MORE than his beginning, not only did Job gain all that he had prior but he was given MORE (Double). But the blessing didn't stop there because in vs. 16 it says that Job LIVED ((he didn't die in the kaos)) not only did he live, but he lived to SEE some stuff. ((Are you living just to live? or Are you living to SEE?)) ... JOB lived to SEE 140 years, saw his children and grandchildren for FOUR generations.   And when he died, he died FULL of his days. ((when you die, will you die FULL or EMPTY?)) ... Will you die with your dreams? or with your dreams FULFILLED?

So, how did this message HELP me? ... Simple ... My life was fine, like I shared with you earlier in this blog, I was a happy, go lucky person, but then one day out of the blue, I was HIT with some news that I was Adopted and from THAT day, my WORLD changed. I ended up depressed ... I became secluded ... etc. When we allow Depression to sneak in, it tends to control us, it stunts our Growth. So, Just like Job when it first hit him, he too became depressed, but then he decided to BOUNCE BACK mentally ... he worshipped GOD inspite of, because he "believed" that he was in the hands of GOD.     So, I TOO woke up MENTALLY ((it all starts in the mind)) and then I had a talk with myself ... it was TIME that I got myself UP from what "felt" like DEFEAT, Brush my shoulders off, and REMEMBER ...that I was in the Hands of GOD.      And it was that night of the conference that I BOUNCED BACK!!!  I realize I didn't have to STAY where I was.

EVERY Holiday after that ... has been a BLESSING!!! I enjoy and have a blast at ALL of these Holidays just like I use to but even MORE so!!! I realize that I have Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to be Thankful for!!!!

So I say to you: Whatever you may have been through ... or perhaps may be going through even now ... DON'T allow it to STUNT your GROWTH ... You CAN .. BOUNCE BACK!!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

I encourage YOU to LIVE and SEE all that's awaiting you!

~God Bless~

I'M LEGIT ...

Do you not know that in the state of New Jersey, Adoptees don't have the right to their own birth certificiates? ... Yes, you've read me right ... we DON'T have the right to our own TRUTH. Our Original Birth Certificate has been *sealed* and so the birth certificate that we receive have the parents that have adopted us listed as the birth parents. For example, my birth certificate has 3 different dates on it. For a long time, I didn't understand the all of the dates. After researching and investigating on my own, I learned that three dates represented as follow: My Birthdate, My Placement date, and My Adoption date. *CRAZY* ... not sure how many others' are like that, but that's what's on mine. ... Again: *CRAZINESS!*

For over a decade, we've tried to get The Adoptees' Birthright bill (A752) passed here in New Jersey, so that every adoptee could have access to their 'Original' birth certificate. This bill has YET to be passed.

Everything is such "Top secret" when it comes to the Adoptee. YET, we have people who could get passed security at the White House!, (Ok, that's a whole different blog) But Anyway, Do you not know I can't go back to the Adoption Agency where I was adopted out of to get a copy of my records? They won't even allow me to SEE anything that's in MY file. It's against the Law. This means that any medical conditions that I may run through my family, I will NEVER gain this knowledge because it's AGAINST the Law for me to know MY own History. Everything in that file is about ME, and yet I don't have the RIGHT to see it. (?) It's been said that perhaps an adoptee could go to the court and appeal for the right to receive a copy of their files ... HA! Yeah right, I know SO many people who have tried this and were DENIED! I know someone whose daughter was suffering a medical condition and when the doctors asked who in their families had this medical condition, both parties shared neither of the two ... then it hit the mother, she didn't know if it had come from her side of the family, because, she was adopted and did not know her family's history. Well when she went to the courts to appeal, she was DENIED access to her file. Can I tell you that not long after, this woman's child died? The doctors stated had they known earlier (the history), perhaps they would have known what to lookout for and could have tried to prevent it. DO YOU SEE HOW SERIOUS THIS IS???

TODAY, I participated in a Music Video for the song: "I'M LEGIT" written by singer: Zara Phillips and the one and only Daryle (DMC) McDaniels from the Legendary Rap Group: RUNDMC. In case you didn't know, DMC learned that he was adopted just a few years ago, he has been in reunion with his birth mother, a good reunion at that. (That's a blessing), well both he along with Zara Phillips penned a song entitled: "I'M LEGIT" ... you can go to iTunes and check it out. (I ask that you support and purchase it for $0.99. This song has so much meaning ... Please go and listen to the LYRICS ... Just feel an "Adoptee" for a minute. :0) Help us spread the word! I had a lot of fun today participating in this video, because I know first hand what it feels like to one day learn that WHO you "thought" you were, you really were someone else. ... you learn that your name has changed, and the people that you've known all of your life ... none of their blood run through YOUR veins.

It was E X T R E M E L Y cold standing out there today for all of those hours LOL ... but because it's what I can relate to ... It was a MUST that I stay despite the weather. Daryle is such a nice guy. I had the pleasure of meeting Rev. Run last year and meeting Daryle today was a real blessing because we could relate. We understand eachother.

Well, I just wanted to share a portion of my day, Today ...

Stay Faithful ...

WELCOME ....

Thanks for stopping by to visit my NEW Blog ... Like I shared in my very FIRST post entitled: "It's TIME" ... I have decided to post some of my previous writings and if/when you go through them ... it will bring you through my journey ... up until THIS point.

I will be posting some NEW stuff this week since I am off of work ALL week, due to my doctor's orders. So much has transpired since these previous posts: The good, The bad, & The indifferent ... but inspite of it ALL ... I can proudly say: "I am STILL here & it's ONLY by the GRACE OF GOD!" :0)

I would love YOUR feedback ... so feel free to FOLLOW and LEAVE A COMMENT... It will be GREATLY appreciated.

Luv ya!

God Bless,
"Tee"

Today is HER Birthday ...

[Written on: NOVEMBER 24, 2008]

I know that its been a good minute since I have written in my blog. I know several of you have been asking what's the latest updates on my brothers ... and I PROMISE You that in my NEXT blog, I will share my brothers with you. I will tell you this: BOTH of my brothers are alive and well and we still keep in touch.

But Today brought about another stroke of the "keys" (Keyboard keys people) LOL ...

I was awakened out of my sleep this morning by an alarm on my phone, a Birthday Alarm (I have a certain ringer for that) ... anyway ... it went off and the chime of: "Happy Birthday To You" began ... I grabbed my phone and when I opened it WAHDAH. this is what it read: "MY BIRTHMOTHERS BIRTHDAY" ...

IMMEDIATELY tears began to well up in my eyes, I sat up and stared at my phone for a good 2 to 3 minutes. All kinds of feelings, I began to feel. The very first one was: SADNESS ... I felt this way because I didn't have the privy of running into her room or calling her on the phone and singing or saying: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM". I then went and pulled out My Photo Album and took my birthmoms picture out and as I stared at the woman who gave birth to me, I started to have questions: 'Mom, Where are you?" ... "Mom, how are you going to celebrate your birthday today?" "Will I be a thought at all in your head today?" ...

I then felt myself becoming ANXIOUS ... but not understanding WHY I WAS ANXIOUS and WHAT WAS I ANXIOUS for? It wasn't as if I was going to be able to pick up the phone and say: "Mom, get ready, I am taking you out for your birthday today" ... "It wasn't as if I could be there to see her eating a piece of her birthday cake" ... So what on earth was I ANXIOUS for? (I STILL DON'T KNOW) ...

I then drifted in thought ... I began to IMAGINE she and I out celebrating her big day ... her making a wish and blowing out her birthday candles, then my mom looking up at me and uttering these words: "I didn't have to make a wish, because my wish has already come true the day that you and I reunited" ... We then embraced and began to share tears together, not those of sadness but TEARS OF JOY! ...

Now although this was just an IMAGINARY THOUGHT ... When I came to myself: My TEARS were very real ...

I then felt myself becoming upset with life ... feeling as though ... it wasn't fair ... but I knew there was nothing else for me to do at this point, but PRAY! Because the enemy has a tendency in situations like this to cause depression and I have come to GRIPS with ADOPTION and I REFUSE to be bound my depression over this ... So I did what I KNEW could get me out of this state ... I PRAYED and I began to talk to GOD and ask HIM to help me get through this entire day with strength! I then prayed and asked GOD that wherever My Birth Mother is ... whatever she is doing ... whom ever she is with ... Keep Watch Over Her! I also asked GOD to allow ME (her daughter) to be a Thought in her mind ... A whisper in her ear and a beat in my moms heart.

I am in no wise upset with the fact that my birth mother chose to give me up for adoption 33 years ago ... when I look back over my life ... learn of the hardships that my both of my brothers had to go through and endure ... I can't help but GIVE GOD PRAISE ... I can't help but say THANK YOU to GOD ... but not only THANK GOD, but I am GRATEFUL to my birthmother for making the WISE choice to give me up so that I could have a better chance at life.(I have been blessed beyond measure with a beautiful Mother and Father ... They are the BEST!) I LOVE HER FOR THIS ... Now my prayer is that ONE day I will be able to come face to face with the woman who birthed me and tell her how grateful I am ... that I have nothing to complain about ... no reasons to be mad, and that I am Thankful for her decision ... and that every since learning of her ... I have loved her and LOVE HER STILL!

How can you love someone you have never seen? (Is this your Question?) ... I have never seen GOD either ... but I KNOW HE EXISTS! (Prayerfully that answered your question) ...

Can I tell you that AFTER that prayer ... I began to feel MUCH better! I know that in GODS time .... I will come Face to Face with my Birth Mother.

So I ask all those who have a prayer life ... who know GOD and who believe in the POWER of prayer ... I ask YOU to continue to pray for me, touch and agree with me IN prayer that she and I come face to face one day SOON. (smile) ... Thank you so much!

**Note: I learned when my birth mothers birthday was in April of THIS YEAR by the Adoption Agency I was adopted through.**

Until Next Time ... Stay Prayerful ... Stay Blessed ... Stay Faithful ... Stay Favored ... and most importantly ... Stay YOU!

Regardless ... STILL FAMILY ...

[Written SEPTEMBER 11, 2008]

Regardless ... STILL FAMILY ...

Does BLOOD really make one family? The Average person would probably say yes, but to an Adoptee like myself, We say Different!

LOVE makes one Family! UNITY makes one Family! and most of all ... GOD makes one Family!

I know that it's been quite a while since I have written a blog, and several of you have asked me what was going on in my world (A sistah has been extremely busy)... Well before I go THERE ... I have to share this particular story that took place in my life the ending of last year (2007).

One of my biological brothers, I have two, but the one I am talking about is the one right above me. He and I was talking one day and I began to question him if he knew who my father was and did he have any idea who is father was or who our other brothers father was or most importantly, Did we all have the same father? He shared with me that He knew for sure that he and I did not share the same father, but it was a strong possibility that my oldest brother and I shared the same father. Hmmm, that would mean that our mother got involved with my middle brothers father and then decided to jump backwards to my oldest brother's father and have me. Hmmm lol ... OOOO K!

Anyway ... he told me that he use to date one of my oldest brothers cousins (YES! I know what is going through your head, because believe me that same thought and awkward look went through mine as well LOL) ... He went on to tell me that at the time they were dating they had NO idea that she and our oldest brother was related. But one day my brothers THEN girlfriend/oldest brothers cousin was being questioned by her mom as to who was this mystery man she was dating ... she then shared my brothers name, and her mom proceeded to ask of his last name ... she shared that as well ... AND A SUDDEN 'LIGHTBULB" went off in her mother's head and she made the following statement to her daughter: "I BELIEVE YOU ARE DATING YOUR COUSIN!, THAT IS SO and SO's SON"

Can you imagine what went through her head?

WOW!!!!

EXACTLY!!!!

ANYWAY ... they all learned that this young lady's father was my oldest brother's uncle. His brother is my oldest brother's father! So this along with some other things caused my younger brother and this young lady to end their relationship.

OK DID YOU ALL GET THAT??? (That was ALOT to inhale I know) lol ...

NOW ..........

My younger brother shared that he could get in touch with this young lady (his ex) and have her call me ... and HE DID. He went to this young lady's mothers job and shared that he just met me, his biological sister, who could possibly be related to her daughter as well. A few hours later on that SAME day, I received a phone call from a young lady by the name of Janelle ... she asked me a million and one questions that day ... but we connected right away ... she then called her father and I had the opportunity to talk to him on a three way called and I shared with him who I knew my birth mother to be ... and indeed he knew who my birth mother was ... they use to hang out together and live together ... he called my mother his CLUB PARTNAH ... lol.

He began to share things with me about my mother ... MY MOTHER WAS OFF THE HOOK! lol ... He told me how people were scared of her, she loved to fight, and could dress her butt off, loved basketball and pool. WOW ... Sounds like me when I was growing up!!!! SCAREY!!!! Anyway ... he went on to share some REAL DEEP THINGS about my mother and his brother ... (things I won't get into on here, but when my book is released ... I will share) ...

One thing that really touched me that night after talking to him was this:

"Sweety, I don't know if my brother is your father or not, my brother was out there and it's very possible, we know that he has ALOT of children all over, but claims NONE, only the 3 that currently live with him. But sweety, it doesn't matter if you are his or not, you are STILL MY NIECE just because of who your mother is. I loved that woman, that was my good friend, and I miss her, you have gained an Uncle, and you are loved."

As Uncle Gene spoke these words, Tears began to stream down my voice, and his voice began to weaken, and I noticed that we were both in tears. I can't remember what all I responded to all that he said, but whatever I said, he shared that I sounded just like my biological mother.

To hear that you sound like the woman who birthed you, a woman you've never had the opportunity to meet ... meant a lot to me.

Can I tell you that Uncle Gene called me almost every day after that ... every conversation I was able to hear more and more stories about the woman who birthed me. What a blessing!

My Cousin Janelle (Uncle Gene's Daughter, My Oldest brother's first cousin and my younger brother's Ex-girlfriend - YES! I know WHEW! lololol) ended up giving me another Uncle's number and I had the pleasure of talking to him as well and it was Ironic because he said almost the exact thing that Uncle Gene said. It blew my mind!!! Even my uncles wives were very receptive of me ... I have the pleasure of calling them my Aunts ... It's a BEAUTIFUL BLESSING!!!! I realize that NOBODY could have done this, THIS WAY, BUT GOD!!!

I must say they are a bunch of SWEET people ... and it's a blessing to have people who were a part of my birth mother's life ... NOW a part of mine. You can't tell that we've only been talking since the ending of last year ... it's as if we have been in eachother's lives all of our lives. NOBODY BUT GOD!

I AM TRULY BLESSED!!!!

I haven't had the opportunity to meet their brother, my oldest brother's father, and my possible father, although I have driven by his home ... too nervous to approach the house. But I guess in due time ... a CHANGE WILL COME! I realize EVERYTHING has a SET TIME and PURPOSE. I know some will probably question: "Tee, Does this man know you exist and have been in touch with his brothers?" ...

The Answer is NO. Unfortunately, He and his brothers are not on speaking terms at the present, and haven't been for several years. And NO, this man has no idea that I am looking for him, and who knows, he may not even know I exist or even care for that matter ...

But I am not affected by that or the thought of that ... YET ...

I am Patiently awaiting for the RIGHT time to do the RIGHT thing ...

Ok, I wanted to share this portion and will be back SOON to share more and give you an UPDATE on the relationship between my two brothers and I.

Continue to keep us ALL in your prayers!

Until Next Time ...

WOW! A Cry for My Father!

[Written on JUNE 16, 2008]

WOW! I never thought that I would be sitting here TODAY, writing about something like THIS ...

As we all know, TODAY is FATHER'S DAY. A day that was set aside to celebrate Fathers all over the world. I can honestly say that I have been blessed with a GREAT FATHER! I realize that everything happens for a reason. Today was a blessing to sit and share this time with my dad. He has always been such a hard-worker, a fabulous provider, a man that taught me and showed me (by treating my mother right) how I should be treated by a man. Truly, MY FATHER is a KING!!! I love him!

Something happened to today that actually took me by storm. As many of you know, I am an Adoptee, learned of this BY ACCIDENT @ the age of 18 ... (read previous blogs, along with profile to learn a lil more about this). But from age 18 up until NOW (33) ... I have never really given thought about my biological father ... I believe he came across my mind on a Father's Day perhaps 3 or 4 years ago, and it was just that ... a thought ... quick ... non-dwelling. Please do not ask me why that is, because to be honest, I DON'T KNOW WHY ...

But TODAY, sitting in church, my Pastor was delivering the RHEMA, and Today's message was: "A FATHER KNOWS BEST" ... The Sermon was a Powerful, heart-touching, and soul-searching. The Men today were extremely blessed ... to see some of the men and their eyes full of tears ... WHEW! I TELL YA ... but nevertheless ... My mind drifted during a quick segment of the message, when my Pastor said: "There are some people sitting here this morning, who don't know their fathers ... but GOD is a Father to the Fatherless ... then my pastor continued with ...When my Mother and Father Forsake me, then the Lord will take me up" ... My Mind Drifted, My Eyes welled up and My HEART cried out for my BIRTHFATHER, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hold back the tears ...

Those tears of "loss" ... (while in church) began to turn into tears of JOY, because I could feel the presence of GOD ... **CHURCH WAS OFF THE CHAIN!!!!** ... Ok, If I continue to talk about that ... I will GET HAPPY!!! lol ... So I'm going to leave that alone ...

OK, ...

On my way home from church, I made several phone calls and text a few to wish those men that I knew were Fathers ... A Happy Father's Day... but when I realized that I couldn't call or text the man whose "seed" got me here ... tears began to well up again ...

I pull up to my home, I see the cars of various family members, I wipe my tears, whisper a prayer of: "GOD, HELP ME" ... and then I walk in my door, and smiled like nothing was wrong and nothing was bothering me ... I continued on like normal ... walked into the kitchen where the food was and the family was gathered ... and when we got ready to partake in this family dinner, everyone gathered and hands were held, and I, next to my dad, and my uncle on the other side of me ... for the FIRST time ever, I was wishing that the other man's hand (my uncle) I was holding was my birth father. What a blessing it would have been to be holding the hands of these two men. My Father and My Father *smile*

We ate, we laughed, we took pictures, we video taped, we played games, we watched movies ... and as people began to leave, and the house became quiet again ... and I found myself in the living room all alone ...

I CRIED OUT FOR MY BIRTH FATHER (it has always been about my Birth mother) BUT TODAY was DIFFERENT ... it was about him and I sat here ... wondering WHO he was? ... wondering WHERE is he? ... wondering at anytime do I cross his mind? ... wondering who else is he sharing and spending this particular day with?

I HAD A SERIOUS MOMENT YALL!!! It was a lil scary, because like I shared in the beginning of this blog, I have NEVER done this before. He has never been so strong on my mind as he was today. A part of me for a while has been saying, I wasn't going to take the effort to search for him, but after what I experienced today ... this has changed ... I NEED TO KNOW WHO HE IS ...

Interesting ... I was told that my oldest brother and I have the SAME father (no one knows for sure though)... and I don't want to share too much of that in THIS particular blog, because that's a whole nother blog in itself... A GOOD ONE I MIGHT ADD!!! *(SMILE)* But the only problem is, IF this man is My Father, he might not want anything to do with me or claim me, because he wants NOTHING to do with my brother who HE knows is his but refuses to claim him and from what I have been told, HE claims very FEW of his children, story has it ... there is more than 20 floating around ... YES, I said MORE than 20! lol ....

YANO, I might write about this particular story (I hate calling it that, because anyone can make up a story, so I will call it ... MY TRUTH!) tonight.

But nevertheless, this was something NEW for me and I NEEDED to write about it ...

I know that they say LAUGHTER is GOOD MEDICINE (and it is) but TONIGHT, WRITING WAS GOOD MEDICINE FOR ME!

Thanks for listening (well reading) lol ...

Ya'll Stay Blessed and Keep a Sistah in Your Prayers ...

**WOW@ MY THINKING EVERYONE HAD LEFT, THEY ARE DOWNSTAIRS WATCHING THE GAME** LOLOLOL WOW!!! I HEARD MY POPS YELL ... YES! ... and I come rushing downstairs ... and all the men are watching the game lol ... WOW! I was in SOME ZONE to think they had left lololol ...

SEE WHY I NEED YALL PRAYERS!!! AHAHAHA!!!!

Ok, lemme go and finish watching the game myself ... Lata!

My FIRST Encounter with my OLDEST brother ...

[This was Written on: MAY 21, 2008]

I know it's been a while since I have written anything in my blog. Several of you have been asking me what happened since my last blog and well since I have today off *YAY!!!!* and since I am also in the mood to blog, I will do so ...

In my last blog, I shared with you that My oldest brother (who was incacerated) and I had been communicating through letters. In his very first letter to me he shared that he had placed me on his visiting list and I told you all that I was just trying to schedule myself to go ... WELL ..........................

I DID!!! ... It was on a Tuesday Evening and I was extremely nervous for a few reasons. 1. being that this was the FIRST time I would be meeting him in person. 2. I had heard so many monsterous things about him that I went in with my guard up LOL ... 3. I honestly didn't know WHAT to say ... I mean we had been writting eachother ... by the time I went to go and visit we had about 5 letters exchanged between us ...

So, I remember walking up to the counter and giving the officer my name and telling him who I was there to visit, and him asking me for my ID, and his words were: "You are the sister of Michael, correct?" *PAUSE* ... I had literally paused when he said that because WOW ... @ the word "SISTER" ... (for those who understand being adopted, you know what I am talking about and why I had a pause moment) ... *smile*

I replied, YES I am His Sister ... He asked me to then have a seat and they would call me up in a few. I remember sitting there watching all of these people (mostly women w/their children) coming to visit those that were locked away ... and my heart went out to the Mothers of these young men that were in jail and especially to the children who had to be brought to such a facility to witness their fathers locked away. (So not a place for a child) ... BUT it is LIFE!

Anyway ... My brother's last name was called and I got up and proceeded through the detectors and up the stairs to the elevator to the 4th floor ... as I walked down that LONG---- hallway, my heart began to beat ... faster and faster ... A mixture of nervousness, sadness (because our first visit was jail) and excitement (because I am finally coming face to face with another blood relative) as we all walked around the corner, I was SHOCKED, because I was under the impression that I would be able to touch him and to my surprise this wasn't that type of jail ... we were behind a glass booth ... so I walked down to the last seat that was available and sat there for a few minutes and the door opened and out walked this TALL (6'5), LIGHT-SKINNED (Dominican looking), MUSCULAR (like I was told) BALD-HEADED brother and he stood there in amazement and smiled, he picked up the phone that was there and I did the same ... and HIS VERY FIRST WORDS TO ME WERE: "WOW! YOU LOOK JUST LIKE OUR MOTHER!" ... (my heart melted, because that's the very SAME thing my other brother said when I first met him) ... His NEXT words to me were: "SOooo, YOU'RE MY SISTER HUH?" I replied: YES ... He then said: "WOW!" ... "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO MEET ME?"

I then replied: "Because you are my brother" ...

We both smiled and then this was a portion of our conversation:

Brother: "So, T, talk to me"

ME: "I honestly don't know what to say to you"

Brother: *snickled*: "Ok, lemme make this easier on you, I know that you have heard alot of negative things about me, perhaps many of them true, so why would someone as sweet and as intelligent as you, I can tell this by your letters want to be bothered with a street dude like me?"

ME: Lemme explain something to you, just like I shared in my letters, I don't care what you have done in the past, or how you chose to live your life in the past, you are MY brother and all of that was before me, and has nothing to do with me. I am NOT here to judge you.

Brother: WOW Tee, I have to be honest with you, I didn't think you were going to come and see me.

ME: And Why Not?

Brother: Because you and I come from two different worlds Tee. I am not a nice dude. I haven't done nice things and I don't know what you expect from me.

ME: Well opposites it what causes this world to go round ... I don't expect anything from you, believe that. I am not here looking for anything other than to meet and get to know MY blood.

Brother: *smiles* "Tee, you are something else"

ME: What does that mean?

Brother: *laughs* Nothing ... I am happy and shocked that you came to see me.

JUST THEN, (20 minutes into our visit) THERE WAS AN INTERRUPTION FROM ONE OF THE C/O's ... "OK, PEOPLE, TIME UP" ...

My Brother turns around with an evil look and says to the guard: "YO, MAN, I'M TALKING TO MY SISTER, EAZEE"

In amazement and shockingly, the guard made everyone else leave and acted as if my brother and I weren't still sitting there. The visit was only suppose to be 20 minutes (which is a shame) but that day I ended up staying 1 hour and 40 minutes.

After the guard left, my brother looked @ me and said: "SIS, I AM SORRY ABOUT THAT, Now let's continue our conversation"

I was in awe, and really didnt know what to say at that point, all I had was a WOW! in my thoughts lololol

My brother continued the conversation by asking me if I read his letter that he spoke of about him thinking and being told that I was dead...

I CAN SEE SOME OF YOU ALL'S FACES ... Let me explain, I am going to re write what he wrote in his second letter to me.

*excerpt from the letter*

Tee, the reason why this is such a shock to me is because when I was about 7 years old, we (me and our other brother) was in the room sleeping and our grandmother came in and woke me up in panic mode and told me to go across the street and tell the neighbors to call the ambulance because our mom was bleeding. It was in the wee hours of the mornings and I fell back to sleep, our grandmother came back in the room yelling and screaming for me to go across the street and tell the neighbors to call the ambulance because mom was bleeding. One thing we knew is that when grandma starts to yell you better move, so I got up and I remember walking by the room our mom was in and all I saw was a bed full of blood and she was in the middle of it, so I got scared and ran down the stairs and to the neighbors and told them that my grandmother said to call the ambulance because my mom was bleeding. The ambulance came to get her and we followed it to the hospital and while we were at the hospital for a while, the doctor came out and said that our mom just gave birth to a little girl, Tee, it was THAT night that I learned our mother was pregnant. She didnt come back home with us, grandma said she had to stay at the hospital for a few days. I remember when grandma told us that our mom was coming home and how excited I got and when she came home, she came home empty handed and the first question I asked was: Where is my babysister? My grandmother and our mother sat me down at the kitchen table and told me that my babysister had died. I asked how did the baby die??? and they told me that I didn't move fast enough when grandma told me to go and get the neighbor. So, Tee, for 38 years I have walked around thinking that it was my fault that my little sister died and here we are many many years later and out of no where my babysis is here writing to me? She's alive? And to answer your question, no I don't have any children, I was dating this woman once who I got pregnant but I made her get an abortion because I didn't feel worthy enough to have a child, because I had killed my babysister. So I didnt deserve to have a child, thats why I never had one and have avoided it as much as possible and so far I have done a good job, but now after all of these years I learn that my babysis never died, she is still alive and writing me a letter and wants to come and see me. I am angry, not with you but with our Mother and grandmother who lied to me and had me believe this lie for 38 years. I hate them. They are two worthless B***HES! Why would anyone want to put that much weight on a 7 year old? So, see Tee, I have a tough time trusting people especially family. I haven't had family. mostly all of my life, I have been on my own. I have learn to do without family and I am a survivor.

As he reminded me of that letter, my heart dropped to HEAR him actually talk about it and to see the hurt in his eyes really caused my eyes to water, my brother looked at me and said: "Tee, you are not about to cry are you because I can't handle that?!" It took everything within me not to allow one tear to drop. And I didn't. (smile) I looked at him, swallowed hard and told him that I was fine.

When it was finally time for me to depart, he asked me if I was going to come back and see him and I reassured him that I would. We both smiled at eachother and he said to me, "Tee, I am good at reading people and I am usually right with what I feel, and sis, you are a good person with a good heart, and I swear if any dude ever hurts you, he is going to have to deal with me." I smiled at him and told him that I could handle me, trust! ... He looked at me and said: "T, I am serious, I will hurt someone over you, I am here to protect you!" I smiled and told him, ok.

We both stood up and he then placed his hand against the glass and I followed suite and he said to me: "You take care of yourself and don't allow anyone to take advantage of you, and I will write you, and Sis, ...... (pause).... I am glad to know that you are still alive, I really am. Bye Sis."

*At this moment, I was totally emotional but kept it all hidden inwardly, I can't really describe what I was feeling at this point, It was something like you would see on TV, and it was overwhelming for me*

My closing words to him was: "Big brother, you take care of yourself and know that I am praying for you always and I will be back to see you and I will look for your letter and be sure to respond. Keep your head up and Remain strong, Please stay out of trouble, don't let the people in here get to you, you are better than that. And remember, your babysister is NOT dead but I am very much alive and everything happens for a reason. I promise you, I am not going anywhere anytime soon. You have me for life. I love you! Later... "

He watched me walk away and when I looked back, he placed his hand in fist mode across his chest (heart area) and I replied the same ... *some of you may know what that means, and in case you don't, it is a sign of: "My heart is where you are" ...

As I walked down that long------ hallway by myself, everyone else had long gone, all I could say to myself was: WOW!!! GOD YOU ARE AMAZING!!! I looked up towards Heaven while stepping into the elevator and began to THANK GOD FOR ALLOWING THIS DAY, THIS MOMENT TO HAPPEN!

I cried tears of joy all the way home ... GOD is Amazing!





UPDATE: He and I shared a total of 34 letters between us and I went to visit him Twice a week ... He was released from jail the 2nd week in April and in my NEXT BLOG I will share: "THE DAY MY BROTHER CAME HOME" ... * you don't want to miss this one*

Take Care!!!



Until next time ...



GOD BLESS!