BOUNCE BACK!

WOW! Can you believe that CHRISTMAS is THIS Friday? 2009 is almost over. Where has the year gone? It seems as if "this" year just swooped right pass, but doesn't it seem that way EVERY year? LOL...

So much has transpired in 2009. Some good things have happened (The FIRST Black Man took office in the White House and became The President of the United States - Way to Go, President Obama!!), Some not so good things transpired this year (The Economy suffered tremendously, way too many people lost their jobs, we witness major companies having to fold, we heard of so many people committing suicide because their monies were gone, so many people lost their homes leaving their families destrought because the provision was no longer there), we've had Tragedy hit us hard this year, we lost so many good people this year, Death came through and SHOOK our foundation (*to name a few* - Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcet, Michael Jackson, and Sooooo many others).  We've heard the horrible tragedy of the young man, Derron Albert, 16, in the city of Chicago who lost his life at the hands of other young men of his color. A young life taken for no reason at all. People have literally lost their minds:  we have parents killing their children, we have children killing their parents, we have preachers and ministers doing things that are UNLIKE the GOD they minister about. ((these are just some of the issues that this world has))   ... WHAT'S GOING ON???

Some might say that these things have been going on for years, and although that 's true, I am the last to argue that, ... it has become more PREVELANT in 2009. It's been UP, Close and Personal for me. Not only has this year taken lives of the people we READ about, but I have personally lost a Godmother, Two cousins, a Uncle, and Two friends this year and have heard of so many others who have also lost their loved ones this year. My Pastor always say: "Every Year Carries It's Number"  ... I never really paid much attention to that UNTIL this year. And boy o boy did THIS year carry a HUGE number out of here.

But DESPITE all of these things ... One thing I can honestly say with JOY ... "I am STILL here! And it's ONLY by the GRACE of GOD!!! .... Can't think of a reason to give GOD praise? ... if you are ABLE to READ this blog ... that's ENOUGH reason to give HIM praise.

Isn't it sad that everywhere you go now ... People are saying: "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" instead of saying: "Merry Christmas"? I rode through my town the other day and noticed that not one sign downtown said: Merry Christmas, EVERYthing said: Happy Holidays!  WHAT???!!!  And what really burns me is this:  "X-MAS" <<< Huh? What is that?   STOP! trying to take CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS! HE is or should be the REASON why we celebrate such a day! We have truly lost the REAL meaning of this Holiday. So many people are looking and expecting these grand gifts, but it's NOT about that. We have received THEE ULTIMATE gift and that is JESUS! ... DAILY we receive a GIFT  and that is the GIFT OF LIFE!! ... ((Pause)) When was the last time you actually THANKED GOD for LIFE? So many of us complain about what LIFE isn't ... but have you taken a moment to thank HIM for what LIFE is?

I have learned to STOP complaining about what I "felt" life wasn't! I am THANKFUL for all of the things that I "could have been" but didn't.   I could be DEAD... but I'm NOT.  I could be HOMELESS ... but I'm NOT ... I could have been infected with some DEADLY DISEASE ... but I'm NOT.  I could be in JAIL, but I'm NOT.   I could have LOST my mind, but I DIDN'T.   There's NOTHING that I need to complain about. I may NOT have everything that I want ... but I have what I need: My LIFE, HEALTH & STRENGTH. *smile*

I am so glad from where GOD has brought me from. There was a time when I lost the "joy" & "excitement" of Christmas. I am so glad that I have gotten it back. When I learned that I was adopted, which was two weeks after my 18th birthday (March 4), it changed the way I looked at Holidays. Every Holiday became rough for me, (My Birthday, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Thanksgiving & Christmas) these holidays were no longer the same for me. I went from being "happy" & "joyous" on these holidays to being "sad" & "depressed" and instead of "celebrating", I ended up "mourning". I went through this for YEARRSSSSS! Although, I would smile and PRETEND for the sake of people on these days ... deep within I was a total WRECK.

On My Birthday, I always wondered, did this woman who gave me up realize that it was my birthday today? Did she even care? Did she regret giving me up? Will she ever come and look for me? Is she looking for me now?

On Mother's Day, I wondered, did this woman think about me? Was she able to celebrate "Mom's Day" knowing that she gave one of her own children away? Did I have other brothers and sisters who were with her helping her celebrate this day? Do my siblings even know that I exist?

On Father's Day, ((to be honest with you, it wasn't until a couple of years ago, that my birth father ever became a thought in my head)) but the time that I DID think about him, my thoughts were: Does this man even care that he has a daughter out here somewhere? Do I ever cross his mind? Who's celebrating him today? How many other daughter does he have? Are they with him celebrating today?

On Thanksgiving, I wondered, What was my birth mom doing? What was she cooking? Was she a cook? Who was she celebrating Thanksgiving with? Does her family even know that I exist? Do I ever come up at the dinner table? Do they even care?

On Christmas, I wondered, Is she thinking about me? Does she wish that she never gave me up? Will she come looking for me? What gifts did she receive? What gifts were she giving out and to whom? Did she spoil her other children? Was I ever mentioned? Did she have a special ornament on the Christmas tree to represent the baby girl she relinguished back in 1975?

These were some of the worst days for me. It wasn't as if I didn't have a GREAT life and TWO wonderful parents or a Family that didn't love me. I had the BEST of everything ... a life any child could have wanted, But learning the FACT that I was adopted ... changed me EMOTIONALLY. It did something to me. I changed! I went from a happy go lucky person, to a very somber, moody, and depressing individuaL. It was just 3 years ago that this changed for me.

One day, I was preparing to minister at a Youth Conference and while preparing this particular message: "Bounce Back - You Don't Have To Stay Where You Are"  Scripture(s) Job 1:1-3; 42:12 & 13, 16 & 17  While preparing this message, I was convicted, ... here I was getting ready to deliver this message to a lot of youth and YET, I was stuck and needed to BOUNCE BACK from the "state" ((condition)) I was in.  JOB started off good, he had everything any man could want, he had it all: The Family, The House, The Cattle, The Land, ((he was weathly)). but one day out of the blue, his ENTIRE life changed, not for the better but for the worst. The Bible shares that he lost EVERYTHING that he had, all of his children were killed, everything that he had been destroyed, he became extremely ill, and his wife ended up leaving him ... No doubt, Job had his moments of depression, his moment of loneliness, his moments of feeling like he didn't deserve this, his moments of: "Lord, Why is all of this happening to me?" ((We've probably all asked this question)) ... he even had some friends who came along and kicked him the more when he was down because they felt like, he must have done something WRONG or against GOD and this was why GOD was punishing him.  The Bible says that JOB cursed the day he was born, in otherwords, he wished that he was NEVER born. ((How many of us have felt that way @ some point in our lives?)) ... but INSPITE of ALL the hell that he has been through, there was ONE thing that Job DIDN'T do ... He NEVER, EVER gave up on GOD, even when he didn't 'understand' why GOD would allow such a thing to happen to him ... He STILL worshipped GOD and knew that in GOD's own time, a Change would come and he was right, because in Chapter 42: 12  it says that the Lord blessed his Latter days MORE than his beginning, not only did Job gain all that he had prior but he was given MORE (Double). But the blessing didn't stop there because in vs. 16 it says that Job LIVED ((he didn't die in the kaos)) not only did he live, but he lived to SEE some stuff. ((Are you living just to live? or Are you living to SEE?)) ... JOB lived to SEE 140 years, saw his children and grandchildren for FOUR generations.   And when he died, he died FULL of his days. ((when you die, will you die FULL or EMPTY?)) ... Will you die with your dreams? or with your dreams FULFILLED?

So, how did this message HELP me? ... Simple ... My life was fine, like I shared with you earlier in this blog, I was a happy, go lucky person, but then one day out of the blue, I was HIT with some news that I was Adopted and from THAT day, my WORLD changed. I ended up depressed ... I became secluded ... etc. When we allow Depression to sneak in, it tends to control us, it stunts our Growth. So, Just like Job when it first hit him, he too became depressed, but then he decided to BOUNCE BACK mentally ... he worshipped GOD inspite of, because he "believed" that he was in the hands of GOD.     So, I TOO woke up MENTALLY ((it all starts in the mind)) and then I had a talk with myself ... it was TIME that I got myself UP from what "felt" like DEFEAT, Brush my shoulders off, and REMEMBER ...that I was in the Hands of GOD.      And it was that night of the conference that I BOUNCED BACK!!!  I realize I didn't have to STAY where I was.

EVERY Holiday after that ... has been a BLESSING!!! I enjoy and have a blast at ALL of these Holidays just like I use to but even MORE so!!! I realize that I have Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to be Thankful for!!!!

So I say to you: Whatever you may have been through ... or perhaps may be going through even now ... DON'T allow it to STUNT your GROWTH ... You CAN .. BOUNCE BACK!!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

I encourage YOU to LIVE and SEE all that's awaiting you!

~God Bless~

I'M LEGIT ...

Do you not know that in the state of New Jersey, Adoptees don't have the right to their own birth certificiates? ... Yes, you've read me right ... we DON'T have the right to our own TRUTH. Our Original Birth Certificate has been *sealed* and so the birth certificate that we receive have the parents that have adopted us listed as the birth parents. For example, my birth certificate has 3 different dates on it. For a long time, I didn't understand the all of the dates. After researching and investigating on my own, I learned that three dates represented as follow: My Birthdate, My Placement date, and My Adoption date. *CRAZY* ... not sure how many others' are like that, but that's what's on mine. ... Again: *CRAZINESS!*

For over a decade, we've tried to get The Adoptees' Birthright bill (A752) passed here in New Jersey, so that every adoptee could have access to their 'Original' birth certificate. This bill has YET to be passed.

Everything is such "Top secret" when it comes to the Adoptee. YET, we have people who could get passed security at the White House!, (Ok, that's a whole different blog) But Anyway, Do you not know I can't go back to the Adoption Agency where I was adopted out of to get a copy of my records? They won't even allow me to SEE anything that's in MY file. It's against the Law. This means that any medical conditions that I may run through my family, I will NEVER gain this knowledge because it's AGAINST the Law for me to know MY own History. Everything in that file is about ME, and yet I don't have the RIGHT to see it. (?) It's been said that perhaps an adoptee could go to the court and appeal for the right to receive a copy of their files ... HA! Yeah right, I know SO many people who have tried this and were DENIED! I know someone whose daughter was suffering a medical condition and when the doctors asked who in their families had this medical condition, both parties shared neither of the two ... then it hit the mother, she didn't know if it had come from her side of the family, because, she was adopted and did not know her family's history. Well when she went to the courts to appeal, she was DENIED access to her file. Can I tell you that not long after, this woman's child died? The doctors stated had they known earlier (the history), perhaps they would have known what to lookout for and could have tried to prevent it. DO YOU SEE HOW SERIOUS THIS IS???

TODAY, I participated in a Music Video for the song: "I'M LEGIT" written by singer: Zara Phillips and the one and only Daryle (DMC) McDaniels from the Legendary Rap Group: RUNDMC. In case you didn't know, DMC learned that he was adopted just a few years ago, he has been in reunion with his birth mother, a good reunion at that. (That's a blessing), well both he along with Zara Phillips penned a song entitled: "I'M LEGIT" ... you can go to iTunes and check it out. (I ask that you support and purchase it for $0.99. This song has so much meaning ... Please go and listen to the LYRICS ... Just feel an "Adoptee" for a minute. :0) Help us spread the word! I had a lot of fun today participating in this video, because I know first hand what it feels like to one day learn that WHO you "thought" you were, you really were someone else. ... you learn that your name has changed, and the people that you've known all of your life ... none of their blood run through YOUR veins.

It was E X T R E M E L Y cold standing out there today for all of those hours LOL ... but because it's what I can relate to ... It was a MUST that I stay despite the weather. Daryle is such a nice guy. I had the pleasure of meeting Rev. Run last year and meeting Daryle today was a real blessing because we could relate. We understand eachother.

Well, I just wanted to share a portion of my day, Today ...

Stay Faithful ...

WELCOME ....

Thanks for stopping by to visit my NEW Blog ... Like I shared in my very FIRST post entitled: "It's TIME" ... I have decided to post some of my previous writings and if/when you go through them ... it will bring you through my journey ... up until THIS point.

I will be posting some NEW stuff this week since I am off of work ALL week, due to my doctor's orders. So much has transpired since these previous posts: The good, The bad, & The indifferent ... but inspite of it ALL ... I can proudly say: "I am STILL here & it's ONLY by the GRACE OF GOD!" :0)

I would love YOUR feedback ... so feel free to FOLLOW and LEAVE A COMMENT... It will be GREATLY appreciated.

Luv ya!

God Bless,
"Tee"

Today is HER Birthday ...

[Written on: NOVEMBER 24, 2008]

I know that its been a good minute since I have written in my blog. I know several of you have been asking what's the latest updates on my brothers ... and I PROMISE You that in my NEXT blog, I will share my brothers with you. I will tell you this: BOTH of my brothers are alive and well and we still keep in touch.

But Today brought about another stroke of the "keys" (Keyboard keys people) LOL ...

I was awakened out of my sleep this morning by an alarm on my phone, a Birthday Alarm (I have a certain ringer for that) ... anyway ... it went off and the chime of: "Happy Birthday To You" began ... I grabbed my phone and when I opened it WAHDAH. this is what it read: "MY BIRTHMOTHERS BIRTHDAY" ...

IMMEDIATELY tears began to well up in my eyes, I sat up and stared at my phone for a good 2 to 3 minutes. All kinds of feelings, I began to feel. The very first one was: SADNESS ... I felt this way because I didn't have the privy of running into her room or calling her on the phone and singing or saying: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM". I then went and pulled out My Photo Album and took my birthmoms picture out and as I stared at the woman who gave birth to me, I started to have questions: 'Mom, Where are you?" ... "Mom, how are you going to celebrate your birthday today?" "Will I be a thought at all in your head today?" ...

I then felt myself becoming ANXIOUS ... but not understanding WHY I WAS ANXIOUS and WHAT WAS I ANXIOUS for? It wasn't as if I was going to be able to pick up the phone and say: "Mom, get ready, I am taking you out for your birthday today" ... "It wasn't as if I could be there to see her eating a piece of her birthday cake" ... So what on earth was I ANXIOUS for? (I STILL DON'T KNOW) ...

I then drifted in thought ... I began to IMAGINE she and I out celebrating her big day ... her making a wish and blowing out her birthday candles, then my mom looking up at me and uttering these words: "I didn't have to make a wish, because my wish has already come true the day that you and I reunited" ... We then embraced and began to share tears together, not those of sadness but TEARS OF JOY! ...

Now although this was just an IMAGINARY THOUGHT ... When I came to myself: My TEARS were very real ...

I then felt myself becoming upset with life ... feeling as though ... it wasn't fair ... but I knew there was nothing else for me to do at this point, but PRAY! Because the enemy has a tendency in situations like this to cause depression and I have come to GRIPS with ADOPTION and I REFUSE to be bound my depression over this ... So I did what I KNEW could get me out of this state ... I PRAYED and I began to talk to GOD and ask HIM to help me get through this entire day with strength! I then prayed and asked GOD that wherever My Birth Mother is ... whatever she is doing ... whom ever she is with ... Keep Watch Over Her! I also asked GOD to allow ME (her daughter) to be a Thought in her mind ... A whisper in her ear and a beat in my moms heart.

I am in no wise upset with the fact that my birth mother chose to give me up for adoption 33 years ago ... when I look back over my life ... learn of the hardships that my both of my brothers had to go through and endure ... I can't help but GIVE GOD PRAISE ... I can't help but say THANK YOU to GOD ... but not only THANK GOD, but I am GRATEFUL to my birthmother for making the WISE choice to give me up so that I could have a better chance at life.(I have been blessed beyond measure with a beautiful Mother and Father ... They are the BEST!) I LOVE HER FOR THIS ... Now my prayer is that ONE day I will be able to come face to face with the woman who birthed me and tell her how grateful I am ... that I have nothing to complain about ... no reasons to be mad, and that I am Thankful for her decision ... and that every since learning of her ... I have loved her and LOVE HER STILL!

How can you love someone you have never seen? (Is this your Question?) ... I have never seen GOD either ... but I KNOW HE EXISTS! (Prayerfully that answered your question) ...

Can I tell you that AFTER that prayer ... I began to feel MUCH better! I know that in GODS time .... I will come Face to Face with my Birth Mother.

So I ask all those who have a prayer life ... who know GOD and who believe in the POWER of prayer ... I ask YOU to continue to pray for me, touch and agree with me IN prayer that she and I come face to face one day SOON. (smile) ... Thank you so much!

**Note: I learned when my birth mothers birthday was in April of THIS YEAR by the Adoption Agency I was adopted through.**

Until Next Time ... Stay Prayerful ... Stay Blessed ... Stay Faithful ... Stay Favored ... and most importantly ... Stay YOU!

Regardless ... STILL FAMILY ...

[Written SEPTEMBER 11, 2008]

Regardless ... STILL FAMILY ...

Does BLOOD really make one family? The Average person would probably say yes, but to an Adoptee like myself, We say Different!

LOVE makes one Family! UNITY makes one Family! and most of all ... GOD makes one Family!

I know that it's been quite a while since I have written a blog, and several of you have asked me what was going on in my world (A sistah has been extremely busy)... Well before I go THERE ... I have to share this particular story that took place in my life the ending of last year (2007).

One of my biological brothers, I have two, but the one I am talking about is the one right above me. He and I was talking one day and I began to question him if he knew who my father was and did he have any idea who is father was or who our other brothers father was or most importantly, Did we all have the same father? He shared with me that He knew for sure that he and I did not share the same father, but it was a strong possibility that my oldest brother and I shared the same father. Hmmm, that would mean that our mother got involved with my middle brothers father and then decided to jump backwards to my oldest brother's father and have me. Hmmm lol ... OOOO K!

Anyway ... he told me that he use to date one of my oldest brothers cousins (YES! I know what is going through your head, because believe me that same thought and awkward look went through mine as well LOL) ... He went on to tell me that at the time they were dating they had NO idea that she and our oldest brother was related. But one day my brothers THEN girlfriend/oldest brothers cousin was being questioned by her mom as to who was this mystery man she was dating ... she then shared my brothers name, and her mom proceeded to ask of his last name ... she shared that as well ... AND A SUDDEN 'LIGHTBULB" went off in her mother's head and she made the following statement to her daughter: "I BELIEVE YOU ARE DATING YOUR COUSIN!, THAT IS SO and SO's SON"

Can you imagine what went through her head?

WOW!!!!

EXACTLY!!!!

ANYWAY ... they all learned that this young lady's father was my oldest brother's uncle. His brother is my oldest brother's father! So this along with some other things caused my younger brother and this young lady to end their relationship.

OK DID YOU ALL GET THAT??? (That was ALOT to inhale I know) lol ...

NOW ..........

My younger brother shared that he could get in touch with this young lady (his ex) and have her call me ... and HE DID. He went to this young lady's mothers job and shared that he just met me, his biological sister, who could possibly be related to her daughter as well. A few hours later on that SAME day, I received a phone call from a young lady by the name of Janelle ... she asked me a million and one questions that day ... but we connected right away ... she then called her father and I had the opportunity to talk to him on a three way called and I shared with him who I knew my birth mother to be ... and indeed he knew who my birth mother was ... they use to hang out together and live together ... he called my mother his CLUB PARTNAH ... lol.

He began to share things with me about my mother ... MY MOTHER WAS OFF THE HOOK! lol ... He told me how people were scared of her, she loved to fight, and could dress her butt off, loved basketball and pool. WOW ... Sounds like me when I was growing up!!!! SCAREY!!!! Anyway ... he went on to share some REAL DEEP THINGS about my mother and his brother ... (things I won't get into on here, but when my book is released ... I will share) ...

One thing that really touched me that night after talking to him was this:

"Sweety, I don't know if my brother is your father or not, my brother was out there and it's very possible, we know that he has ALOT of children all over, but claims NONE, only the 3 that currently live with him. But sweety, it doesn't matter if you are his or not, you are STILL MY NIECE just because of who your mother is. I loved that woman, that was my good friend, and I miss her, you have gained an Uncle, and you are loved."

As Uncle Gene spoke these words, Tears began to stream down my voice, and his voice began to weaken, and I noticed that we were both in tears. I can't remember what all I responded to all that he said, but whatever I said, he shared that I sounded just like my biological mother.

To hear that you sound like the woman who birthed you, a woman you've never had the opportunity to meet ... meant a lot to me.

Can I tell you that Uncle Gene called me almost every day after that ... every conversation I was able to hear more and more stories about the woman who birthed me. What a blessing!

My Cousin Janelle (Uncle Gene's Daughter, My Oldest brother's first cousin and my younger brother's Ex-girlfriend - YES! I know WHEW! lololol) ended up giving me another Uncle's number and I had the pleasure of talking to him as well and it was Ironic because he said almost the exact thing that Uncle Gene said. It blew my mind!!! Even my uncles wives were very receptive of me ... I have the pleasure of calling them my Aunts ... It's a BEAUTIFUL BLESSING!!!! I realize that NOBODY could have done this, THIS WAY, BUT GOD!!!

I must say they are a bunch of SWEET people ... and it's a blessing to have people who were a part of my birth mother's life ... NOW a part of mine. You can't tell that we've only been talking since the ending of last year ... it's as if we have been in eachother's lives all of our lives. NOBODY BUT GOD!

I AM TRULY BLESSED!!!!

I haven't had the opportunity to meet their brother, my oldest brother's father, and my possible father, although I have driven by his home ... too nervous to approach the house. But I guess in due time ... a CHANGE WILL COME! I realize EVERYTHING has a SET TIME and PURPOSE. I know some will probably question: "Tee, Does this man know you exist and have been in touch with his brothers?" ...

The Answer is NO. Unfortunately, He and his brothers are not on speaking terms at the present, and haven't been for several years. And NO, this man has no idea that I am looking for him, and who knows, he may not even know I exist or even care for that matter ...

But I am not affected by that or the thought of that ... YET ...

I am Patiently awaiting for the RIGHT time to do the RIGHT thing ...

Ok, I wanted to share this portion and will be back SOON to share more and give you an UPDATE on the relationship between my two brothers and I.

Continue to keep us ALL in your prayers!

Until Next Time ...

WOW! A Cry for My Father!

[Written on JUNE 16, 2008]

WOW! I never thought that I would be sitting here TODAY, writing about something like THIS ...

As we all know, TODAY is FATHER'S DAY. A day that was set aside to celebrate Fathers all over the world. I can honestly say that I have been blessed with a GREAT FATHER! I realize that everything happens for a reason. Today was a blessing to sit and share this time with my dad. He has always been such a hard-worker, a fabulous provider, a man that taught me and showed me (by treating my mother right) how I should be treated by a man. Truly, MY FATHER is a KING!!! I love him!

Something happened to today that actually took me by storm. As many of you know, I am an Adoptee, learned of this BY ACCIDENT @ the age of 18 ... (read previous blogs, along with profile to learn a lil more about this). But from age 18 up until NOW (33) ... I have never really given thought about my biological father ... I believe he came across my mind on a Father's Day perhaps 3 or 4 years ago, and it was just that ... a thought ... quick ... non-dwelling. Please do not ask me why that is, because to be honest, I DON'T KNOW WHY ...

But TODAY, sitting in church, my Pastor was delivering the RHEMA, and Today's message was: "A FATHER KNOWS BEST" ... The Sermon was a Powerful, heart-touching, and soul-searching. The Men today were extremely blessed ... to see some of the men and their eyes full of tears ... WHEW! I TELL YA ... but nevertheless ... My mind drifted during a quick segment of the message, when my Pastor said: "There are some people sitting here this morning, who don't know their fathers ... but GOD is a Father to the Fatherless ... then my pastor continued with ...When my Mother and Father Forsake me, then the Lord will take me up" ... My Mind Drifted, My Eyes welled up and My HEART cried out for my BIRTHFATHER, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hold back the tears ...

Those tears of "loss" ... (while in church) began to turn into tears of JOY, because I could feel the presence of GOD ... **CHURCH WAS OFF THE CHAIN!!!!** ... Ok, If I continue to talk about that ... I will GET HAPPY!!! lol ... So I'm going to leave that alone ...

OK, ...

On my way home from church, I made several phone calls and text a few to wish those men that I knew were Fathers ... A Happy Father's Day... but when I realized that I couldn't call or text the man whose "seed" got me here ... tears began to well up again ...

I pull up to my home, I see the cars of various family members, I wipe my tears, whisper a prayer of: "GOD, HELP ME" ... and then I walk in my door, and smiled like nothing was wrong and nothing was bothering me ... I continued on like normal ... walked into the kitchen where the food was and the family was gathered ... and when we got ready to partake in this family dinner, everyone gathered and hands were held, and I, next to my dad, and my uncle on the other side of me ... for the FIRST time ever, I was wishing that the other man's hand (my uncle) I was holding was my birth father. What a blessing it would have been to be holding the hands of these two men. My Father and My Father *smile*

We ate, we laughed, we took pictures, we video taped, we played games, we watched movies ... and as people began to leave, and the house became quiet again ... and I found myself in the living room all alone ...

I CRIED OUT FOR MY BIRTH FATHER (it has always been about my Birth mother) BUT TODAY was DIFFERENT ... it was about him and I sat here ... wondering WHO he was? ... wondering WHERE is he? ... wondering at anytime do I cross his mind? ... wondering who else is he sharing and spending this particular day with?

I HAD A SERIOUS MOMENT YALL!!! It was a lil scary, because like I shared in the beginning of this blog, I have NEVER done this before. He has never been so strong on my mind as he was today. A part of me for a while has been saying, I wasn't going to take the effort to search for him, but after what I experienced today ... this has changed ... I NEED TO KNOW WHO HE IS ...

Interesting ... I was told that my oldest brother and I have the SAME father (no one knows for sure though)... and I don't want to share too much of that in THIS particular blog, because that's a whole nother blog in itself... A GOOD ONE I MIGHT ADD!!! *(SMILE)* But the only problem is, IF this man is My Father, he might not want anything to do with me or claim me, because he wants NOTHING to do with my brother who HE knows is his but refuses to claim him and from what I have been told, HE claims very FEW of his children, story has it ... there is more than 20 floating around ... YES, I said MORE than 20! lol ....

YANO, I might write about this particular story (I hate calling it that, because anyone can make up a story, so I will call it ... MY TRUTH!) tonight.

But nevertheless, this was something NEW for me and I NEEDED to write about it ...

I know that they say LAUGHTER is GOOD MEDICINE (and it is) but TONIGHT, WRITING WAS GOOD MEDICINE FOR ME!

Thanks for listening (well reading) lol ...

Ya'll Stay Blessed and Keep a Sistah in Your Prayers ...

**WOW@ MY THINKING EVERYONE HAD LEFT, THEY ARE DOWNSTAIRS WATCHING THE GAME** LOLOLOL WOW!!! I HEARD MY POPS YELL ... YES! ... and I come rushing downstairs ... and all the men are watching the game lol ... WOW! I was in SOME ZONE to think they had left lololol ...

SEE WHY I NEED YALL PRAYERS!!! AHAHAHA!!!!

Ok, lemme go and finish watching the game myself ... Lata!

My FIRST Encounter with my OLDEST brother ...

[This was Written on: MAY 21, 2008]

I know it's been a while since I have written anything in my blog. Several of you have been asking me what happened since my last blog and well since I have today off *YAY!!!!* and since I am also in the mood to blog, I will do so ...

In my last blog, I shared with you that My oldest brother (who was incacerated) and I had been communicating through letters. In his very first letter to me he shared that he had placed me on his visiting list and I told you all that I was just trying to schedule myself to go ... WELL ..........................

I DID!!! ... It was on a Tuesday Evening and I was extremely nervous for a few reasons. 1. being that this was the FIRST time I would be meeting him in person. 2. I had heard so many monsterous things about him that I went in with my guard up LOL ... 3. I honestly didn't know WHAT to say ... I mean we had been writting eachother ... by the time I went to go and visit we had about 5 letters exchanged between us ...

So, I remember walking up to the counter and giving the officer my name and telling him who I was there to visit, and him asking me for my ID, and his words were: "You are the sister of Michael, correct?" *PAUSE* ... I had literally paused when he said that because WOW ... @ the word "SISTER" ... (for those who understand being adopted, you know what I am talking about and why I had a pause moment) ... *smile*

I replied, YES I am His Sister ... He asked me to then have a seat and they would call me up in a few. I remember sitting there watching all of these people (mostly women w/their children) coming to visit those that were locked away ... and my heart went out to the Mothers of these young men that were in jail and especially to the children who had to be brought to such a facility to witness their fathers locked away. (So not a place for a child) ... BUT it is LIFE!

Anyway ... My brother's last name was called and I got up and proceeded through the detectors and up the stairs to the elevator to the 4th floor ... as I walked down that LONG---- hallway, my heart began to beat ... faster and faster ... A mixture of nervousness, sadness (because our first visit was jail) and excitement (because I am finally coming face to face with another blood relative) as we all walked around the corner, I was SHOCKED, because I was under the impression that I would be able to touch him and to my surprise this wasn't that type of jail ... we were behind a glass booth ... so I walked down to the last seat that was available and sat there for a few minutes and the door opened and out walked this TALL (6'5), LIGHT-SKINNED (Dominican looking), MUSCULAR (like I was told) BALD-HEADED brother and he stood there in amazement and smiled, he picked up the phone that was there and I did the same ... and HIS VERY FIRST WORDS TO ME WERE: "WOW! YOU LOOK JUST LIKE OUR MOTHER!" ... (my heart melted, because that's the very SAME thing my other brother said when I first met him) ... His NEXT words to me were: "SOooo, YOU'RE MY SISTER HUH?" I replied: YES ... He then said: "WOW!" ... "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO MEET ME?"

I then replied: "Because you are my brother" ...

We both smiled and then this was a portion of our conversation:

Brother: "So, T, talk to me"

ME: "I honestly don't know what to say to you"

Brother: *snickled*: "Ok, lemme make this easier on you, I know that you have heard alot of negative things about me, perhaps many of them true, so why would someone as sweet and as intelligent as you, I can tell this by your letters want to be bothered with a street dude like me?"

ME: Lemme explain something to you, just like I shared in my letters, I don't care what you have done in the past, or how you chose to live your life in the past, you are MY brother and all of that was before me, and has nothing to do with me. I am NOT here to judge you.

Brother: WOW Tee, I have to be honest with you, I didn't think you were going to come and see me.

ME: And Why Not?

Brother: Because you and I come from two different worlds Tee. I am not a nice dude. I haven't done nice things and I don't know what you expect from me.

ME: Well opposites it what causes this world to go round ... I don't expect anything from you, believe that. I am not here looking for anything other than to meet and get to know MY blood.

Brother: *smiles* "Tee, you are something else"

ME: What does that mean?

Brother: *laughs* Nothing ... I am happy and shocked that you came to see me.

JUST THEN, (20 minutes into our visit) THERE WAS AN INTERRUPTION FROM ONE OF THE C/O's ... "OK, PEOPLE, TIME UP" ...

My Brother turns around with an evil look and says to the guard: "YO, MAN, I'M TALKING TO MY SISTER, EAZEE"

In amazement and shockingly, the guard made everyone else leave and acted as if my brother and I weren't still sitting there. The visit was only suppose to be 20 minutes (which is a shame) but that day I ended up staying 1 hour and 40 minutes.

After the guard left, my brother looked @ me and said: "SIS, I AM SORRY ABOUT THAT, Now let's continue our conversation"

I was in awe, and really didnt know what to say at that point, all I had was a WOW! in my thoughts lololol

My brother continued the conversation by asking me if I read his letter that he spoke of about him thinking and being told that I was dead...

I CAN SEE SOME OF YOU ALL'S FACES ... Let me explain, I am going to re write what he wrote in his second letter to me.

*excerpt from the letter*

Tee, the reason why this is such a shock to me is because when I was about 7 years old, we (me and our other brother) was in the room sleeping and our grandmother came in and woke me up in panic mode and told me to go across the street and tell the neighbors to call the ambulance because our mom was bleeding. It was in the wee hours of the mornings and I fell back to sleep, our grandmother came back in the room yelling and screaming for me to go across the street and tell the neighbors to call the ambulance because mom was bleeding. One thing we knew is that when grandma starts to yell you better move, so I got up and I remember walking by the room our mom was in and all I saw was a bed full of blood and she was in the middle of it, so I got scared and ran down the stairs and to the neighbors and told them that my grandmother said to call the ambulance because my mom was bleeding. The ambulance came to get her and we followed it to the hospital and while we were at the hospital for a while, the doctor came out and said that our mom just gave birth to a little girl, Tee, it was THAT night that I learned our mother was pregnant. She didnt come back home with us, grandma said she had to stay at the hospital for a few days. I remember when grandma told us that our mom was coming home and how excited I got and when she came home, she came home empty handed and the first question I asked was: Where is my babysister? My grandmother and our mother sat me down at the kitchen table and told me that my babysister had died. I asked how did the baby die??? and they told me that I didn't move fast enough when grandma told me to go and get the neighbor. So, Tee, for 38 years I have walked around thinking that it was my fault that my little sister died and here we are many many years later and out of no where my babysis is here writing to me? She's alive? And to answer your question, no I don't have any children, I was dating this woman once who I got pregnant but I made her get an abortion because I didn't feel worthy enough to have a child, because I had killed my babysister. So I didnt deserve to have a child, thats why I never had one and have avoided it as much as possible and so far I have done a good job, but now after all of these years I learn that my babysis never died, she is still alive and writing me a letter and wants to come and see me. I am angry, not with you but with our Mother and grandmother who lied to me and had me believe this lie for 38 years. I hate them. They are two worthless B***HES! Why would anyone want to put that much weight on a 7 year old? So, see Tee, I have a tough time trusting people especially family. I haven't had family. mostly all of my life, I have been on my own. I have learn to do without family and I am a survivor.

As he reminded me of that letter, my heart dropped to HEAR him actually talk about it and to see the hurt in his eyes really caused my eyes to water, my brother looked at me and said: "Tee, you are not about to cry are you because I can't handle that?!" It took everything within me not to allow one tear to drop. And I didn't. (smile) I looked at him, swallowed hard and told him that I was fine.

When it was finally time for me to depart, he asked me if I was going to come back and see him and I reassured him that I would. We both smiled at eachother and he said to me, "Tee, I am good at reading people and I am usually right with what I feel, and sis, you are a good person with a good heart, and I swear if any dude ever hurts you, he is going to have to deal with me." I smiled at him and told him that I could handle me, trust! ... He looked at me and said: "T, I am serious, I will hurt someone over you, I am here to protect you!" I smiled and told him, ok.

We both stood up and he then placed his hand against the glass and I followed suite and he said to me: "You take care of yourself and don't allow anyone to take advantage of you, and I will write you, and Sis, ...... (pause).... I am glad to know that you are still alive, I really am. Bye Sis."

*At this moment, I was totally emotional but kept it all hidden inwardly, I can't really describe what I was feeling at this point, It was something like you would see on TV, and it was overwhelming for me*

My closing words to him was: "Big brother, you take care of yourself and know that I am praying for you always and I will be back to see you and I will look for your letter and be sure to respond. Keep your head up and Remain strong, Please stay out of trouble, don't let the people in here get to you, you are better than that. And remember, your babysister is NOT dead but I am very much alive and everything happens for a reason. I promise you, I am not going anywhere anytime soon. You have me for life. I love you! Later... "

He watched me walk away and when I looked back, he placed his hand in fist mode across his chest (heart area) and I replied the same ... *some of you may know what that means, and in case you don't, it is a sign of: "My heart is where you are" ...

As I walked down that long------ hallway by myself, everyone else had long gone, all I could say to myself was: WOW!!! GOD YOU ARE AMAZING!!! I looked up towards Heaven while stepping into the elevator and began to THANK GOD FOR ALLOWING THIS DAY, THIS MOMENT TO HAPPEN!

I cried tears of joy all the way home ... GOD is Amazing!





UPDATE: He and I shared a total of 34 letters between us and I went to visit him Twice a week ... He was released from jail the 2nd week in April and in my NEXT BLOG I will share: "THE DAY MY BROTHER CAME HOME" ... * you don't want to miss this one*

Take Care!!!



Until next time ...



GOD BLESS!

MY REUNION IS WONDERFUL ...

[This was written on FEBRUARY 5, 2008]

Heyyy I am back!!! I know it's been a good minute since the last blog. In my last blog I shared with you all that I was going to go and visit my OLDEST brother and I DID ... and I must say that we are SO MUCH ALIKE ... it's scarey! We are DIFFERENT in alot of areas but the SAME in so many areas. A lot of people who know him and were once in contact with him portrayed him to be some kind of mean and monsterous person, but I can report today and tell you that He is NOT that way.

Now when I first wrote him a letter, people warned me that he probably wouldn't write me back because he cares nothing about Family ... but I wrote from the heart and when I was done I prayed over it and sent it off ... now grant it ... it took him a minute to respond, but I just put it on GOD'S hands and left it alone. Almost 11 days later I received a letter back from my brother and it was sincere and straight to the point ... He along with our other brother, they went through so much as children. A few times throughout his letter he stated that I was blessed to have been adopted.

I literally teared when I read some of the things that they had went through as children. No child should ever have to endure what they had to endure, which helped me to understand WHY he has such a wall built up. I reassured him that I was not here to try and change him, or the way he feels or thinks, I am just here to be myself and get to know my brother. In his FIRST letter he shared that he didn't think that he would be a good brother and he didn't know how to be one, and perhaps me having a relationship with my other brother would be in my best interest ... BUT I BELIEVED GOD!!!

I wrote him back and shared with him that I sympathized with his pain and have a clearer understanding of WHY he thinks the way he does and WHY he says some of the things that he has said and WHY he has done some of the things that he has done ... but I encouraged him to know that as long as there is a GOD who is YET alive and as long as HE (my brother) has a WILLING HEART ... GOD CAN CHANGE HIM!!! ... There is NOTHING too hard for GOD!

Well in his SECOND letter ... he opened a little more and he made a lot of smiley faces within the letter ... which was a GOOD SIGN!

I have been to see him several times and everytime I have gone to see him, we just laugh and laugh and laugh. The experience and visits have been exceptionally wonderful ... and I can see the difference when I go to see him and I can read the difference in his letters. We have already made plans to spend alot of time together when he comes home. GOD IS SO GOOD!!! I have TWO BIG BROTHERS ... this is BEAUTIFUL!!!

Now every letter I have been receiving here of late, he has been addressing me as his "LIL SIS" ... Awwwww *TEAR DROPS* ... DON'T YOU TELL ME GOD CAN'T & WON'T ANSWER PRAYER!!!

One day at a Time ...

I will share more at another time ... I am just sooooooooooooo happy ... you have no idea!!!!

Until Next Tyme ... Stay BLESSED!

GOD IS SO AWESOME!

[This was written on JANUARY 4, 2008]

WOW! It's been a good minute since I have written in My Blog! SOOOOO much has transpired from August of 2007 up until January of 2008. I am indeed excited about this NEW YEAR ... It is INDEED a year of NEW beginnings. I know soooo many people have chosen and have always chosen to get themselves together the BEGINNING of the year ... (S M H) ... = shaking my head ... I am NOT going to even go there because I will be typing ALL NIGHT lololololol

BUT: THANK GOD 4 CHANGE! ... Amen? AMEN!

In my previous blog, I shared with My Readers that I learned of my Adoption ... YES, Youth Pastor TEE is indeed Adopted ... . I realize MORE and MORE than ADOPTION is a HUGE part of my ministry ... How can one talk about something and expect to comfort, relate, and draw others ... when they have NEVER experienced it for themselves. I know all toO well the EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER ride that one goes on when *learning* of their adoption, ESP. at the age that I learned ... (18) and let me remind you that I learned of this BY ACCIDENT ... *someone spilled the beans* (See I can laugh about it now, that's because HEALING took place) ... Hello somebodee!!!

We quote all of the time, We sing about it, We preach about it, We testify about it ... that GOD is a HEALER! And INDEED GOD IS and WILL Heal you from CANCER, DIABETES, HIV/AIDS, TUMORS, HIGH BLOOD, LOW BLOOD, SEIZURES, ASTHMA, WHATEVER it is, GOD can do it!!!, But what I LOVE about MY SAVIOR is that when HE went to the cruel cross, it wasn't just for MY SINS, but it was for MY HEALING also! We tend to limit GOD ... GOD will not only HEAL you PHYSICALLY, but how many KNOW that GOD CAN and WILL HEAL you EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, and SPIRITUALLY ... *I feel this thing heah!!!!* ... That's what the LORD has done for TEE!

I just wanted to give My READERS (for those of you who actually CARE lol ... for those who question me from time to time about this and for those who are just simplii N O S E Y lol ... j/k ... I wanted to UPDATE you on a few things ...

The last time I wrote, I had received ALOT of information concerning My Biological Family and shared that I was REAL CLOSE to meeting my biological brothers ... and I shared that I had the F A I T H ... I left things alone ... I did a DeWayne Woods move: "I LET GO and LET GOD have HIS way ... and THATS WHEN things started HAPPENING!" ...

In OCTOBER of 2007, while @ work, I received a phone call from someone and the conversation went something like this:

*Ring... *Ring... *Ring ...

ME: Hello?

HIM: Hello, May I speak to T?

ME: Yes, this is she ... may I ask who this is?

HIM: My name is S ... and I was told that you were looking for me

ME: I said S, you really don't have a clue as to who I am do you?

HIM: No hun, I don't.

ME: Well, I am your sister

HIM: My Sister? Huh? My Sis--ter? On who's side, My Mother or Father?

ME: S, We have the SAME mother

HIM: Get out of here ... for real? How you know?

*I then gave him all of the information that I had been given*

(HIM) ... WOW! Those are the right names, but I am confused.

ME: You never knew you had a sister?

HIM: No, I didnt have a clue, I always thought it was just me and my brother, WOW! I wonder how come no one ever told me this ...

ME: Well I don't know S, but one thing I am sure of, we are brother and sister

HIM: WOW! WOW! WOW! Can I meet you?

ME: Sure, I was hoping we could.

HIM: Well, can we meet tonight?

ME: Sure, I would love to

***WE MET THAT NIGHT*** and The moment I got out of my truck and walked towards him, he said: "WOW! You look just like OUR moms!" This is crazy!

*We embraced and laughed*

I can't begin to tell you how HAPPY I was!!!!!!!! At that point, we went and sat down and talked for HOURS ON END ... Sad to say, He had'nt seen our mother in over a decade and the last he heard, she was deceased, but He didn't know that to be 100% true. He shared that our other brother was incarcerated and stated that he would love for me to go and see him, and hopefully it would change his life.

***After HOURS and HOURS of talking, crying, and laughing*** We took pictures together and departed ... but when we got ready to go our separate ways, my brother said: "SIS, I LOVE YOU AND I AM HAPPY THAT I HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE NOW, AND THIS IS THE START OF A LIFETIME BOND" .... My heart fell as we embraced and I sobbed on my brothers shoulder... NOT tears of Sadness, but TEARS of GREAT JOY!!!!

My Drive was about 35 minutes or so back to my home, I had only departed from him about 10 minutes, before my cell rang and it was my brother and this is what he said: "SIS, I WAS JUST CHECKING UP ON YOU, MAKING SURE YOU WERE OK" ... *tear drops* .... We talked all the way until I got home and let me just let you know ... NOT a day has gone by that we don't speak ... and we always end the conversation with: "I LOVE YOU!" ... This is NOBODY BUT GOD!!!!!!!!!

MY BROTHER CAME TO CHURCH WITH ME THE FOLLOWING WEEK, My brother said he hadn't been to church since he was a kid. (LOOK AT GOD!)... Crazy thing is: I had to preach that Sunday in my Pastor's place ... My brother came up to me after service with tears in his eyes and said: :WOW! MY SISTER IS A PREACHER! ... SIS, YOU REALLY TOUCHED ME UP THERE ... YOU WAS SPEAKIN THE TRUTH FA REAL! ... WOW! WAIT TILL I TELL MY PEEPS THAT MY SISTER IS A PREACHA!" ****Awwww my heart melted****

My REUNION has been wonderful and believe me, we have only been knowing eachother since OCTOBER of 2007 and we have already had disagreements like brothers and sisters do(YES! He gets on my nerves and I get on his) LOLOLOL ... He Quickly reminds me: "SIS, I AM OLDER THAN YOU!!!" ... I LOVE IT THOUGH!!!!!!!




The Story doesn't end there ... My brother said to me also that same night: "SIS, I HAVE A DAUGHTER ... YOU HAVE A NIECE" ... YOU ARE AN AUNTIE"... Awwwwww my heart just melted ...

In NOV of 2007, I MET MY NIECE and she is SOOOO ME!!!! A Lil ME!!!! Awwwww *tear drop* ... I have a few pictures of her on my page ... She is adorable and was born on CHRISTMAS ... truly a *gift* ... There are alot of things that she does that I did when I was a child ... its amazing all of the similarities ...



The Following week after meeting my niece, she came over and stayed with me for the weekend ... it was as if I had been in her life all of her life ... this is how close we have become ... she was with me the day after Christmas up until the 2nd of JAN ... Now you tell me GOD'S NOT GOOD!!!!!!!!

WHAT A MIGHTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GOD WE SERVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Well ... I just wanted to share a portion of MY TESTIMONY with you ... I will have MORE to come SOON... cuz there is a WHOLE LOT MORE!!!! I am scheduled to meet my other brother TOMORROW ... we have been writing eachother frequently and so far so good ... I am so ANXIOUS, EXCITED, and NERVOUS all in one!!!! YALL PRAY FOR ME TOO!!!! *wink*

KEEP ME AND MY FAMILY IN YOUR PRAYERS!!!



GOD HAS TRULY BROUGHT MY FAMILY and BIOLOGICAL FAMILY *TOGETHER* ... WHAT A MARVELOUS REUNION IT HAS BEEN!!! MY PARENTS NOW CALL MY BROTHER THEIR SON AND HE CALLS THEM MOM AND DAD ... *GOD IS JUST THAT GOOD!*

MY NIECE CALLS MY PARENTS: NANNA, AND POP POP ... *GOD IS JUST THAT GOOD!*

MY ENTIRE FAMILY HAS ACCEPTED MY BIOLOGICAL FAMILY AS THEIR OWN AND VICE VERSA ... Hmmmmm *GOD IS JUST THAT GOOD!*

I felt like TUNING UP!!!! lol ... YALL DONT HEAR ME!!! hmmm WELLLll ... (Lawd, Lemme Stop!) lol ...



STAY TUNED FOR AN UPDATE AND FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!

*GOD IS JUST THAT GOOD!*

NEVER WOULD'VE MADE IT ...

[This was written on OCTOBER 19, 2007]

I sit here with many thoughts running through my mind ...

A friend of mine called me last night and while She and I was talking, somehow we got on the subject of Adoption. She asked me how I was doing in my search and I shared with her some of the things that had taken place and what I was YET waiting for ...

After sharing with Her that it's a strong possibility that my biological mother died 10 years ago ... She asked me the following questions and then made a statement that went like this:

"T, WHOA, did you just say that they have reason to be lieve that she is deceased? How does that make you feel? If it's confirmed that she really is deceased, what will you do then? Mayun, if that was me, I think I'd seriously lose it and probably never be the same. I'd probably give up on everything else as well. Let the past be just what it is: The Past, so are you ok? You seem ok, but are you REALLY ok?"

And Yes she said all of that in ONE BREF! lol ... Anyway, she gave me something to ponder for a brief moment and my response went a little something like this:

The Bible says that I will Keep you in perfect peace whose MIND is stayed on thee. I have thought about this over and over and over again when it was first told to me that the agency along with some people who knew of my mother had reason to believe that she passed and heard that she did so about TEN years ago ... Did I weep? NO. WHY? because it's just something about that POSSIBILITY that causes me to look @ the other side ... there is a POSSIBILITY that she could YET be alive. But in the event that she isn't ... INDEED I would be hurt, I would be hurt because I have loved this woman ALL OF MY LIFE ... always searched for her through other people even when I DIDN'T know she existed. Although I have been blessed with the best of best Mother and Father, there has always been a VOID in my life ... I always felt as though something was missing. I remember as a child, I use to have visions of a woman reaching out for me, and the moment I would reach back and just at the moment it seemed we were about to grab hold of eachother's hands, she would vanish ... I never was able to get a clear vision of her face, it was always cloudy ... it wasn't until I learned of my adoption that I understood what and why I was having these ... the woman in those cloudy visions was my biological mother reaching out for me ... but never being able to get a grip. Every since I learned of my adoption ... I have always wondered WHO she was, or WHAT she looked like etc ... I came to grips one day that I LOVE HER and understood within my self that I was NOT upset or mad with her for giving me up for adoption 32 years ago ...

I don't have a story like Antwuan Fisher, I cannot relate to the abuse ... however, there were some things that he dealt with, I could mose definately relate such as: His attachement to people ... seemed as if they moment he opened up and began to trust a person, something always happened that they ended up no longer being a part of his life. You remember the scene when Denzel saw that Antwuan was getting attached to him, he took him off to the side and told him that his sessions were coming to an end, and that Antwuan had to do things on his own from here on out? Remember how bad this hurt and upset Antwuan? Antwuan got tired of people walkin IN and OUT of his life ... I can SO relate! I have had SOOOOOO many people who I looked to as a mother figure and something always happened that caused that person to no longer be a part of my life ... I always looked in others what I felt the VOID was in my life, although I had NO knowledge of "what" that void was ... I just knew I was in search of it. The person who showed me love and gave me attention, that's who I ended up attaching myself too. The boyfriends that I had in my life ... I always was looking for MORE than what they were willing to give. "HE" could have come close to giving me the world ... but I felt there was something ALWAYS missing ... and because of this, no one felt as though they were good enough ...

If learning that my mother is deceased after all of this time of searching ... Indeed I will be hurt because I will never get to come face to face with one of the two creators of me ... I will never get the chance to tell her I love her ... I will never get the opportunity to Thank Her and let her know that I have had a great life and was blessed with two beautiful parents ... to let her know that her wish for me came TRUE ... I would very much like to know where she is buried and indeed I would go and visit and plant flowers for her.

The crazy thing is ... I have been writing in journals every since I was 9 years of age, and you know when you are in school, they taught you to always start your journal off with: "Dear Journal" ... well I did that from age 9 up until I was 21. Because after learning of my adoption @ 18 ... something changed ... I felt a shift in my writing of course and when I turned 21, it was something about becoming "LEGAL" that I changed HOW I would write, and my journals ended up saying: "To My Unknown Mother" ... so from age 21 up until now, all of my journals have been directed to her, I was hoping that one day when I was able to meet her, I would give her all of my journals so she can read all that I encountered down through the years and all that she missed out on. Every Mother's Day, I buy her a card, nothing fancy, no extra words, just a simple card that says: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY along with a paragraph or two that I would write. I started buying those as well @ the age of 21, and I have purchased one every year since then ... now it's a possibilty that I will never be able to give them to her.

Since learning of my adoption, none of my holidays have ever been the same. My birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas ...they all changed for me. I was no longer the happy, cheerful person who was excited about the holidays, I became a person who would find myself Grieving for a family I didn't know ... or might not ever know ...

I remember when my grandmother passed away, and we were all in the house, circled, holding hands while the minister prayed before we stepped out to fill our cars and head to the funeral ... I was standing there and I began to look around and everyone that was there gathered in this huge circle (we have a nice size family) and I began to notice that NO resemblence of me on anyone else's face. I was standing there thinking ... "Wow, not one of these people am I *blood* related too"... A huge amount of sadness came down on me, I was already grieving over the loss of the only grandmother I ever knew, but grieving more so because I had a whole family who I had loss. I was asked to give the Tribute from the grandchildren @ my granny'd funeral ... and it was hard for me, because for a brief moment I was thinking and questioning myself: "Is it right for ME to give this tribute?"

I was feeling GUILTY like I shouldn't or didn't have the blood right to do this. No one knew what I was feeling ... I had to put on a face of: "I'm Kool" ... but inside I was broken ...

(I MISS MY GRANDMOTHER ... RIP) ... I know she smiling down on me right now saying: "I love you, and never looked @ you as not being mine, and don't you ever feel that way" ...

I look back up and smile and say: "I know Grandma"

When I look back over the years, I start to remember certain things that took place in my life, things that I had to go through, things that were said to me, and NOW it's become CLEAR .... it was all because I was ADOPTED ...

It's crazy how EVERYONE around me KNEW I was adopted, in my Family, my Church Family, Teachers @ school ... everyone EXCEPT ME ...

As far as losing my mind if I learn that my biological mother is really deceased .... Naw that's NOT going to happen ... The BIBLE says: I will keep you in PERFECT PEACE whose MINE is stayed on THEE ...

The BIBLE also says: I will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you ... Even when your MOTHER and FATHER FORSAKE YOU ... I WILL LIFT YOU UP!!!!!! As long as I hold on to GOD ... He will HOLD on to me ... and I will be alright!

*smile*

I am ENCOURAGED ... I have My Moments ... I am HUMAN ... and am ENTITLED to have a MOMENT every now and then and again and again ...



*JUST FELT LIKE SHARING* ...

I can truly say like DR. MARVIN SAPP: "Never would have made it, Never could have made it without you, I would have lost it all, but now I see how you were there for me, and I can say, I'm Stronger, I'm Wiser, I'm Better, So much better, when I look back over all He's brought me through, I realize I made it, cuz I had you to hold on too ... " (I LOVE THIS SONG AND INDEED THIS IS MY TESTIMONY!)

Learning of My Adoption

[This was written on October 10, 2007}


At the age of 18, I learned of my adoption, and I learned it by accident. It has been a DEEP & PAINFUL journey. I cannot say that it has always been easy, but with GODS help and a few faithful friends who UNDERSTAND what I go through ... there has been PEACE on this ride. I realize that ADOPTION is another part of ministry ... and ALL that I have BEEN through and YET have to GO through is ALL for GODS glory and for me to be a living Testimony that I may encourage someone else that they TOO CAN MAKE IT!

In the past year or so, I decided to search ... and in August of this year, I received some information that almost knocked me off my feet, but with the help of GOD, I was able to remain Standing! One thing I love about GOD, is when GOD does a thing, HE does it in a DOMINO affect ... it's like a Banana Peel ... People ask me: "T, how can you love your biological mother, whom you have never seen" ... I reply with a simple answer: "I love God too, and I have never seen Him either, BUT I KNOW He exist!" Below is a Poem that I received from a friend of mine who is also Adopted, and this really touched me. The words are Profound, Deep, Honest and TRUE!



Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women who never knew each other. One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one, one became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life and the second taught you to live it.

The first one gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.

One gave you talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.

One saught for you a home that she could not provide, the other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me through your tears, Heredity or Environment, which are you a product of?

Neither my darling, neither.

Just two different kinds of love.



Author Unknown



I haven't met anyone in my Biological Family yet, I visited my biological grandmother's gravesite (can't begin to tell you how that felt, I never had the pleasure or the opportunity to meet her).I do have pictures of my 2 Brothers (what a blessing) and I know that in GOD'S time, a REUNION will take place. I know that GOD ANSWERS PRAYER!!!! AMEN? ... AMEN! I have learned what DEWAYNE WOODS sings about: "LET GO AND LET GOD ... for THAT'S WHEN THINGS START HAPPENING!"

Matthew 7:1

[This was a something that I had written some time ago after witnessing someone getting the RAW end of the Spiritual stick]

Matthew 7:1 - Judge NOT that you should not be judged.

That's BIBLE! Isn't it amazing how we say that we should live like the Bible says ... and that we should obey the word of God. People are so quick to quote scripture after scripture, ONLY to BENEFIT them. Funny how SOME scriptures are quoted, while OTHER scriptures are overlooked ... and the above sripture, is one that MANY tend to over look.

We as saints are so QUICK to JUDGE our brothers and sisters. When one of our brothers or sisters has fallen from grace, we are so quick to put dirt on top of them as if it's completely over for them and there is no hope for them. We are so quick to run them down. Quick to jump on the phone and call *who ever* to gossip to them about *who ever*. We are so quick to "Toss them out of the church and put them on "FRONT STREET" or on "STRAIGHT BLAST BLVD", but what happened to "MERCIVILLE PLAZA"? What does the BIBLE say in Galatians 6:1? ... Well if you don't know ... let me Quote it for you ... Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, RESTORE such a one in the spirit of MEEKNESS, CONSIDERING THYSELF, lest thou ALSO be tempted.

I like the way the NIV states it: Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should RESTORE him GENTLY. But WATCH YOURSELF, or you ALSO may be tempted.

The BIBLE never states that you should get on the phone and call everyone that you know and share what has happened to your brother or sister, the BIBLE NEVER states that you should call a whole conference-like together and put someone on blast. The BIBLE never states that you should just throw them away ... WHAT ARE WE DOING?????!!!!!!

Isn't it amazing how we have BISHOPS, APOSTLES, PROPHETS (ESS), ELDERS, PASTORS, EVANGELISTS, MINISTERS, TEACHERS, MISSIONARIES, DEACONS(ESSES), MOTHERS, and LAY-MEMBERS who act as if since the day they received Salvation, they actually REMAINED that way? Isn't it also crazy that some of these people honestly believed that they've been saved since "CONCEPTION"?

LET's GET REAL HONEST!

PEOPLE... PEOPLE ... PEOPLE we ALL have a PAST!!!! And YES! There are many who have a "PRESENT" and some will have a "FUTURE" ... People MESS UP! Bottom line! NO ONE is perfect BUT the FATHER above!!! In NO wise am I CONDONING SIN ... When you've messed up and GOD has forgiven you ... MAINTAIN your DELIVERANCE!

NO it's not always easy, but that's why you MUST stay in GODs face ... you MUST FAST & PRAYER ... READ your word DAILY!

ROMANS 3:23 - For ALL have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.

(YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT!)

Just because you didn't have a child out of wed-lock DOESN'T mean that you weren't doing things that could've caused you to have one ... "HE" just pulled out @ the Right time (Oops! Was I a lil too RAW right here??? ) NOPE! Just the TRUTH! ... or those Contraceptives that you were taken ACTUALLY WORKED FOR YOU! or No one has learned of your MANY ABORTIONS yet! HELLO!!!!

(YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT!)

Just because you didn't get so drunk that you passed out, doesn't mean that you weren't drinkin ... you fortunately know how to hold your liquor!!! HELLO!!!!

(YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT!)

Just because you weren't the one who GOT CAUGHT in ADULTRY, FORNICATION, OR HOMOSEXUALITY DOESN'T mean that you HAVEN'T been CREEPING ... It just means that HE/SHE ... THEM/THEY haven't told on you just YET! HELLO!!!!!

(YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT!)

Just because you weren't the one who was strung out on drugs or an alcholic, doesn't mean that you haven't picked up a cigarette ... smoked a lil weed or sipped a few drinks ... It just means that your HIGH wore off a little quicker by the time anyone saw you! HELLO!

I could go on with other things but you get the picture ...

PEOPLE! PEOPLE! PEOPLE! We MUST STOP this MADNESS!!! Even When they brought the WOMAN (funny that they brought her but where was the MAN???? ... That's a whole nother BLOG!)... who was found in ADULTRY before JESUS and felt like she should be STONED... What did JESUS say: (John 8:7) - So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

Tell me why when JESUS looked up ... NO ONE WAS STANDING THERE??? He asked the woman:Vs.10 Woman, where are those thine ACCUSERS? hath no man condemned thee? Vs. 11 She said No man, Lord, and Jesus said unto her: Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin NO more.

NO ONE ... I don't care WHO you are ... how many TITLES you carry ... how many DEGREES you have ... or how many POSITIONS you hold ... NO ONE IS WITHOUT SIN!

This is why we MUST RENEW our SALVATION BOLDLY EVERYDAY! GOD also bestows NEW MERCIES unto us DAILY, because HE knows that if we had to live off of yesterdays mercy ... we WOULDN'T be here!

No you many not have gone out here and slept with someone eles husband or wife ... killed someone ... got high ... or anything on these lines, but you did SOMETHING that you needed GOD to forgive you for ...

If you have GOSSIPED about your sister or your brother ... You need to ask GOD for FORGIVENESS! If you have LIED to someone or about someone ... you need to ask GOD for FORGIVENESS! If you have turned your brother or sister away because they were found in SIN ...you need to ask GOD for FORGIVENESS ... if you have JUDGED them ... you need to ask GOD for FORGIVENESS!!!

Whether you know it or not ... GOSSIPING is a S-I-N! ... LIEING is a S-I-N! ... JUDGING is a S-I-N!

NOW tell me ... WHO IS WITHOUT SIN? Let's Check ourselves!

Now what's REAL sad is that PEOPLE have committed the SIN (whatever it was) AND have gone and asked GOD for forgivess ... and yet we have the nerve to CONDEMN them forever. We NEVER allow them to FORGET the SIN, We NEVER want to FORGIVE them, but yet we are ALWAYS looking for FORGIVENESS. If you CANNOT forgive your brother or sister ... GOD will NOT forgive you!

We see people up jumping and shouting, preaching and teaching GOD's word ... giving GOD praise and we will sit there on the SEAT OF JUDGEMENT and CONDEMN and JUDGE them because of something that "THEY ONCE DID" ... You DON'T know what went on between that person and GOD ... HOW dare you sit there and JUDGE! There was an old song: I believe by the Williams Brothers ... "Sweep Around your OWN front Door, before you try and sweep around mine!"

All GOD requires is for that person to go to HIM (not YOU!) and ask for forgivess when they have sinned against him. (Now if you have done something against someone else ... THEN YES you need to ask them for forgiveness as well)

So what gives you the RIGHT TO CONDEMN WHEN GOD HAS FREED AND RESTORED SUCH A ONE?

So many people have left the church for GOOD ... because of CHURCH FOLKS! Why does the GREATEST hurts come from WITHIN the church?

The Church is SUPPOSE to be a place of Healing ... Freedom ... Deliverance ... a place where you come to receive insight ... a place where you receive understanding ... a place where you receive guidance ... a place where you receive truth ... a place where you receive encouragement ... BUT many people have come to church and received ... HURT ... GOSSIP ... TEARS ... LIES ... DISCOURAGMENT ... WOUNDS ... BEATINGS ... CONFUSION ... Etc.

Many people have turned GODS churches into PRISON WARDS!!!

Now don't get it TWISTED ... YES! GOD is a GOD of LOVE and HE is also a GOD of WRATH ... But let's NOT just make HIM a GOD of WRATH when HE is a GOD OF LOVE ... AMEN? AMEN!!!

1st Corinthians 6:9 - Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? be not deceived: neither fornicators, nore idolators, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, (vs. 10) nor theives, nore covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

NO! none of these people shall inherit the Kingdom of GOD! That's BIBLE!!!! We are so quick to QUOTE this verse ... but let's go to the NEXT verse ...

Vs. 11 - And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our GOD.

We have all MESSED up ... so BEFORE you go CONDEMNING someone else ... THINK About the BOAT you were in that was SINKING ... but thank GOD for HIS MERCY ... HE RESCUED YOU! ... Now GO and RESTORE your sister or brother that has fallen... PRAY with them and for them ... Encourage them to know that If HE brought YOU out ... surely HE can & will bring them out as well. We do NOT serve a PARTIAL GOD!

Let's PRAY for one another! It's NOT easy ... but it's not hard to the point where we CANNOT make it! We can do ALL things through CHRIST that strengtheneth us! (Phil. 4:13)

So if you are one who has messed up in any way ... allow me to right now ENCOURAGE you to know that you CAN BE HEALED ... DELIVERED ... and MADE FREE!!! GOD wants to RESTORE you ... HE wants you to come back to HIM ... GOD is a FORGIVING GOD ... HE is a JUST and FAIR GOD ... HE LOVES YOU (just not the Sin) ... JUST COME BACK TO HIM ... ASK FOR HIS FORGIVENESS ... HE HASN'T LEFT YOU ... HE IS RIGHT THERE!!! GO TO HIM AND GET WHAT YOU NEED FROM HIM!

KEEP GOD FIRST!!! LET's PRAY for ONE another NOT run one another down ...

GOD BLESS!

(Pardon any mis-spellings you may have found in this blog ... thank ya!)

*Decisions* ...

Ok, I have started this Blog and have been so UN-decided as to what I would share first ... *decisions* ...

After thinking it over, I have decided to RE-post some things that I wrote a while ago so that you can see and follow my journey as an Adoptee ... as a Minister ... as a Woman ... as ME :0)

So, I ask that you sit back ... read ... feel what I felt as I wrote this entries and please feel free to leave a comment ... I love feedback ...

Let the Journey begin ...

It's Time ...

I guess it's about time I started one of these ... :0). So many people have asked me how come I don't have a blog and when would I start one. I love to "WRITE" ... (pen & paper) lol. I could be that I love my penmenship LOL . No, seriously, I have been writting my thoughts & the events that have taken place in my life for years.

I have been working on my book for a few years now. Some would say that I should be finished by now, and although I feel the same way, I believe that everything has a set time & purpose. In my 30 plus years of living, I have experienced quite a bit and through it all, I can honestly say that GOD HAS KEPT ME!

In this blog, I will share experiences from My Past & My Present state @ My Perspective on things ...

It is my prayer that YOU will find STRENGTH ... be ENCOURAGED ... stay MOTIVATED ... & remain POSITIVE through this blog. So I ask that you sit back & enjoy this journey will me.