My FIRST Encounter with my OLDEST brother ...

[This was Written on: MAY 21, 2008]

I know it's been a while since I have written anything in my blog. Several of you have been asking me what happened since my last blog and well since I have today off *YAY!!!!* and since I am also in the mood to blog, I will do so ...

In my last blog, I shared with you that My oldest brother (who was incacerated) and I had been communicating through letters. In his very first letter to me he shared that he had placed me on his visiting list and I told you all that I was just trying to schedule myself to go ... WELL ..........................

I DID!!! ... It was on a Tuesday Evening and I was extremely nervous for a few reasons. 1. being that this was the FIRST time I would be meeting him in person. 2. I had heard so many monsterous things about him that I went in with my guard up LOL ... 3. I honestly didn't know WHAT to say ... I mean we had been writting eachother ... by the time I went to go and visit we had about 5 letters exchanged between us ...

So, I remember walking up to the counter and giving the officer my name and telling him who I was there to visit, and him asking me for my ID, and his words were: "You are the sister of Michael, correct?" *PAUSE* ... I had literally paused when he said that because WOW ... @ the word "SISTER" ... (for those who understand being adopted, you know what I am talking about and why I had a pause moment) ... *smile*

I replied, YES I am His Sister ... He asked me to then have a seat and they would call me up in a few. I remember sitting there watching all of these people (mostly women w/their children) coming to visit those that were locked away ... and my heart went out to the Mothers of these young men that were in jail and especially to the children who had to be brought to such a facility to witness their fathers locked away. (So not a place for a child) ... BUT it is LIFE!

Anyway ... My brother's last name was called and I got up and proceeded through the detectors and up the stairs to the elevator to the 4th floor ... as I walked down that LONG---- hallway, my heart began to beat ... faster and faster ... A mixture of nervousness, sadness (because our first visit was jail) and excitement (because I am finally coming face to face with another blood relative) as we all walked around the corner, I was SHOCKED, because I was under the impression that I would be able to touch him and to my surprise this wasn't that type of jail ... we were behind a glass booth ... so I walked down to the last seat that was available and sat there for a few minutes and the door opened and out walked this TALL (6'5), LIGHT-SKINNED (Dominican looking), MUSCULAR (like I was told) BALD-HEADED brother and he stood there in amazement and smiled, he picked up the phone that was there and I did the same ... and HIS VERY FIRST WORDS TO ME WERE: "WOW! YOU LOOK JUST LIKE OUR MOTHER!" ... (my heart melted, because that's the very SAME thing my other brother said when I first met him) ... His NEXT words to me were: "SOooo, YOU'RE MY SISTER HUH?" I replied: YES ... He then said: "WOW!" ... "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO MEET ME?"

I then replied: "Because you are my brother" ...

We both smiled and then this was a portion of our conversation:

Brother: "So, T, talk to me"

ME: "I honestly don't know what to say to you"

Brother: *snickled*: "Ok, lemme make this easier on you, I know that you have heard alot of negative things about me, perhaps many of them true, so why would someone as sweet and as intelligent as you, I can tell this by your letters want to be bothered with a street dude like me?"

ME: Lemme explain something to you, just like I shared in my letters, I don't care what you have done in the past, or how you chose to live your life in the past, you are MY brother and all of that was before me, and has nothing to do with me. I am NOT here to judge you.

Brother: WOW Tee, I have to be honest with you, I didn't think you were going to come and see me.

ME: And Why Not?

Brother: Because you and I come from two different worlds Tee. I am not a nice dude. I haven't done nice things and I don't know what you expect from me.

ME: Well opposites it what causes this world to go round ... I don't expect anything from you, believe that. I am not here looking for anything other than to meet and get to know MY blood.

Brother: *smiles* "Tee, you are something else"

ME: What does that mean?

Brother: *laughs* Nothing ... I am happy and shocked that you came to see me.

JUST THEN, (20 minutes into our visit) THERE WAS AN INTERRUPTION FROM ONE OF THE C/O's ... "OK, PEOPLE, TIME UP" ...

My Brother turns around with an evil look and says to the guard: "YO, MAN, I'M TALKING TO MY SISTER, EAZEE"

In amazement and shockingly, the guard made everyone else leave and acted as if my brother and I weren't still sitting there. The visit was only suppose to be 20 minutes (which is a shame) but that day I ended up staying 1 hour and 40 minutes.

After the guard left, my brother looked @ me and said: "SIS, I AM SORRY ABOUT THAT, Now let's continue our conversation"

I was in awe, and really didnt know what to say at that point, all I had was a WOW! in my thoughts lololol

My brother continued the conversation by asking me if I read his letter that he spoke of about him thinking and being told that I was dead...

I CAN SEE SOME OF YOU ALL'S FACES ... Let me explain, I am going to re write what he wrote in his second letter to me.

*excerpt from the letter*

Tee, the reason why this is such a shock to me is because when I was about 7 years old, we (me and our other brother) was in the room sleeping and our grandmother came in and woke me up in panic mode and told me to go across the street and tell the neighbors to call the ambulance because our mom was bleeding. It was in the wee hours of the mornings and I fell back to sleep, our grandmother came back in the room yelling and screaming for me to go across the street and tell the neighbors to call the ambulance because mom was bleeding. One thing we knew is that when grandma starts to yell you better move, so I got up and I remember walking by the room our mom was in and all I saw was a bed full of blood and she was in the middle of it, so I got scared and ran down the stairs and to the neighbors and told them that my grandmother said to call the ambulance because my mom was bleeding. The ambulance came to get her and we followed it to the hospital and while we were at the hospital for a while, the doctor came out and said that our mom just gave birth to a little girl, Tee, it was THAT night that I learned our mother was pregnant. She didnt come back home with us, grandma said she had to stay at the hospital for a few days. I remember when grandma told us that our mom was coming home and how excited I got and when she came home, she came home empty handed and the first question I asked was: Where is my babysister? My grandmother and our mother sat me down at the kitchen table and told me that my babysister had died. I asked how did the baby die??? and they told me that I didn't move fast enough when grandma told me to go and get the neighbor. So, Tee, for 38 years I have walked around thinking that it was my fault that my little sister died and here we are many many years later and out of no where my babysis is here writing to me? She's alive? And to answer your question, no I don't have any children, I was dating this woman once who I got pregnant but I made her get an abortion because I didn't feel worthy enough to have a child, because I had killed my babysister. So I didnt deserve to have a child, thats why I never had one and have avoided it as much as possible and so far I have done a good job, but now after all of these years I learn that my babysis never died, she is still alive and writing me a letter and wants to come and see me. I am angry, not with you but with our Mother and grandmother who lied to me and had me believe this lie for 38 years. I hate them. They are two worthless B***HES! Why would anyone want to put that much weight on a 7 year old? So, see Tee, I have a tough time trusting people especially family. I haven't had family. mostly all of my life, I have been on my own. I have learn to do without family and I am a survivor.

As he reminded me of that letter, my heart dropped to HEAR him actually talk about it and to see the hurt in his eyes really caused my eyes to water, my brother looked at me and said: "Tee, you are not about to cry are you because I can't handle that?!" It took everything within me not to allow one tear to drop. And I didn't. (smile) I looked at him, swallowed hard and told him that I was fine.

When it was finally time for me to depart, he asked me if I was going to come back and see him and I reassured him that I would. We both smiled at eachother and he said to me, "Tee, I am good at reading people and I am usually right with what I feel, and sis, you are a good person with a good heart, and I swear if any dude ever hurts you, he is going to have to deal with me." I smiled at him and told him that I could handle me, trust! ... He looked at me and said: "T, I am serious, I will hurt someone over you, I am here to protect you!" I smiled and told him, ok.

We both stood up and he then placed his hand against the glass and I followed suite and he said to me: "You take care of yourself and don't allow anyone to take advantage of you, and I will write you, and Sis, ...... (pause).... I am glad to know that you are still alive, I really am. Bye Sis."

*At this moment, I was totally emotional but kept it all hidden inwardly, I can't really describe what I was feeling at this point, It was something like you would see on TV, and it was overwhelming for me*

My closing words to him was: "Big brother, you take care of yourself and know that I am praying for you always and I will be back to see you and I will look for your letter and be sure to respond. Keep your head up and Remain strong, Please stay out of trouble, don't let the people in here get to you, you are better than that. And remember, your babysister is NOT dead but I am very much alive and everything happens for a reason. I promise you, I am not going anywhere anytime soon. You have me for life. I love you! Later... "

He watched me walk away and when I looked back, he placed his hand in fist mode across his chest (heart area) and I replied the same ... *some of you may know what that means, and in case you don't, it is a sign of: "My heart is where you are" ...

As I walked down that long------ hallway by myself, everyone else had long gone, all I could say to myself was: WOW!!! GOD YOU ARE AMAZING!!! I looked up towards Heaven while stepping into the elevator and began to THANK GOD FOR ALLOWING THIS DAY, THIS MOMENT TO HAPPEN!

I cried tears of joy all the way home ... GOD is Amazing!





UPDATE: He and I shared a total of 34 letters between us and I went to visit him Twice a week ... He was released from jail the 2nd week in April and in my NEXT BLOG I will share: "THE DAY MY BROTHER CAME HOME" ... * you don't want to miss this one*

Take Care!!!



Until next time ...



GOD BLESS!