[This was written on OCTOBER 19, 2007]
I sit here with many thoughts running through my mind ...
A friend of mine called me last night and while She and I was talking, somehow we got on the subject of Adoption. She asked me how I was doing in my search and I shared with her some of the things that had taken place and what I was YET waiting for ...
After sharing with Her that it's a strong possibility that my biological mother died 10 years ago ... She asked me the following questions and then made a statement that went like this:
"T, WHOA, did you just say that they have reason to be lieve that she is deceased? How does that make you feel? If it's confirmed that she really is deceased, what will you do then? Mayun, if that was me, I think I'd seriously lose it and probably never be the same. I'd probably give up on everything else as well. Let the past be just what it is: The Past, so are you ok? You seem ok, but are you REALLY ok?"
And Yes she said all of that in ONE BREF! lol ... Anyway, she gave me something to ponder for a brief moment and my response went a little something like this:
The Bible says that I will Keep you in perfect peace whose MIND is stayed on thee. I have thought about this over and over and over again when it was first told to me that the agency along with some people who knew of my mother had reason to believe that she passed and heard that she did so about TEN years ago ... Did I weep? NO. WHY? because it's just something about that POSSIBILITY that causes me to look @ the other side ... there is a POSSIBILITY that she could YET be alive. But in the event that she isn't ... INDEED I would be hurt, I would be hurt because I have loved this woman ALL OF MY LIFE ... always searched for her through other people even when I DIDN'T know she existed. Although I have been blessed with the best of best Mother and Father, there has always been a VOID in my life ... I always felt as though something was missing. I remember as a child, I use to have visions of a woman reaching out for me, and the moment I would reach back and just at the moment it seemed we were about to grab hold of eachother's hands, she would vanish ... I never was able to get a clear vision of her face, it was always cloudy ... it wasn't until I learned of my adoption that I understood what and why I was having these ... the woman in those cloudy visions was my biological mother reaching out for me ... but never being able to get a grip. Every since I learned of my adoption ... I have always wondered WHO she was, or WHAT she looked like etc ... I came to grips one day that I LOVE HER and understood within my self that I was NOT upset or mad with her for giving me up for adoption 32 years ago ...
I don't have a story like Antwuan Fisher, I cannot relate to the abuse ... however, there were some things that he dealt with, I could mose definately relate such as: His attachement to people ... seemed as if they moment he opened up and began to trust a person, something always happened that they ended up no longer being a part of his life. You remember the scene when Denzel saw that Antwuan was getting attached to him, he took him off to the side and told him that his sessions were coming to an end, and that Antwuan had to do things on his own from here on out? Remember how bad this hurt and upset Antwuan? Antwuan got tired of people walkin IN and OUT of his life ... I can SO relate! I have had SOOOOOO many people who I looked to as a mother figure and something always happened that caused that person to no longer be a part of my life ... I always looked in others what I felt the VOID was in my life, although I had NO knowledge of "what" that void was ... I just knew I was in search of it. The person who showed me love and gave me attention, that's who I ended up attaching myself too. The boyfriends that I had in my life ... I always was looking for MORE than what they were willing to give. "HE" could have come close to giving me the world ... but I felt there was something ALWAYS missing ... and because of this, no one felt as though they were good enough ...
If learning that my mother is deceased after all of this time of searching ... Indeed I will be hurt because I will never get to come face to face with one of the two creators of me ... I will never get the chance to tell her I love her ... I will never get the opportunity to Thank Her and let her know that I have had a great life and was blessed with two beautiful parents ... to let her know that her wish for me came TRUE ... I would very much like to know where she is buried and indeed I would go and visit and plant flowers for her.
The crazy thing is ... I have been writing in journals every since I was 9 years of age, and you know when you are in school, they taught you to always start your journal off with: "Dear Journal" ... well I did that from age 9 up until I was 21. Because after learning of my adoption @ 18 ... something changed ... I felt a shift in my writing of course and when I turned 21, it was something about becoming "LEGAL" that I changed HOW I would write, and my journals ended up saying: "To My Unknown Mother" ... so from age 21 up until now, all of my journals have been directed to her, I was hoping that one day when I was able to meet her, I would give her all of my journals so she can read all that I encountered down through the years and all that she missed out on. Every Mother's Day, I buy her a card, nothing fancy, no extra words, just a simple card that says: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY along with a paragraph or two that I would write. I started buying those as well @ the age of 21, and I have purchased one every year since then ... now it's a possibilty that I will never be able to give them to her.
Since learning of my adoption, none of my holidays have ever been the same. My birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas ...they all changed for me. I was no longer the happy, cheerful person who was excited about the holidays, I became a person who would find myself Grieving for a family I didn't know ... or might not ever know ...
I remember when my grandmother passed away, and we were all in the house, circled, holding hands while the minister prayed before we stepped out to fill our cars and head to the funeral ... I was standing there and I began to look around and everyone that was there gathered in this huge circle (we have a nice size family) and I began to notice that NO resemblence of me on anyone else's face. I was standing there thinking ... "Wow, not one of these people am I *blood* related too"... A huge amount of sadness came down on me, I was already grieving over the loss of the only grandmother I ever knew, but grieving more so because I had a whole family who I had loss. I was asked to give the Tribute from the grandchildren @ my granny'd funeral ... and it was hard for me, because for a brief moment I was thinking and questioning myself: "Is it right for ME to give this tribute?"
I was feeling GUILTY like I shouldn't or didn't have the blood right to do this. No one knew what I was feeling ... I had to put on a face of: "I'm Kool" ... but inside I was broken ...
(I MISS MY GRANDMOTHER ... RIP) ... I know she smiling down on me right now saying: "I love you, and never looked @ you as not being mine, and don't you ever feel that way" ...
I look back up and smile and say: "I know Grandma"
When I look back over the years, I start to remember certain things that took place in my life, things that I had to go through, things that were said to me, and NOW it's become CLEAR .... it was all because I was ADOPTED ...
It's crazy how EVERYONE around me KNEW I was adopted, in my Family, my Church Family, Teachers @ school ... everyone EXCEPT ME ...
As far as losing my mind if I learn that my biological mother is really deceased .... Naw that's NOT going to happen ... The BIBLE says: I will keep you in PERFECT PEACE whose MINE is stayed on THEE ...
The BIBLE also says: I will NEVER leave you NOR forsake you ... Even when your MOTHER and FATHER FORSAKE YOU ... I WILL LIFT YOU UP!!!!!! As long as I hold on to GOD ... He will HOLD on to me ... and I will be alright!
*smile*
I am ENCOURAGED ... I have My Moments ... I am HUMAN ... and am ENTITLED to have a MOMENT every now and then and again and again ...
*JUST FELT LIKE SHARING* ...
I can truly say like DR. MARVIN SAPP: "Never would have made it, Never could have made it without you, I would have lost it all, but now I see how you were there for me, and I can say, I'm Stronger, I'm Wiser, I'm Better, So much better, when I look back over all He's brought me through, I realize I made it, cuz I had you to hold on too ... " (I LOVE THIS SONG AND INDEED THIS IS MY TESTIMONY!)
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